Are Schools Teaching Boys To Dehumanize Girls?
Toxic masculinity and rape culture hurt men and boys too.
When women are considered a collection of body parts, they are no longer human beings deserving of legal rights and protections. ~ Amy Gabrielle
I commend all men (and women) who have spoken out recently on their own social media pages about the violent crimes committed against women. I appreciate your outrage, but your shock at the depth and breadth of the crimes is misguided.
U.S. laws and recent history normalize the dehumanization of women, as does allowing a self admitted sex offender to run for president of the United States and Commander In Chief.
Rapists Are Not Born, They’re Made
It is my strong belief that no one is born evil. As the mother of a 12 year old-boy, I can tell you that my influence is rapidly being replaced by popular culture and peer attitudes. It is socially and developmentally appropriate for children to seek more independence and autonomy from parents as the get older.
Problems arise when social norms become a toxic breeding ground for sexual violence and the dehumanization of girls and women. Something as seemingly benign at associating a negative meaning to all things female is harmful (e.g. “runs like a girl”).
I had one man tell me he felt threatened by his peers when he declined to accompany them to a strip club after drinks at a local bar. When he said he wanted to go home, they called him a “pussy” and “gay”. How can we end the violence against women when even “good men” are not safe?
Start Teaching Boys Like Boys
I have many teacher friends in both public and private schools who tell me that there is a big difference between teaching boys and girls. The current emphasis on sitting quietly at a desk for long stretches of time puts boys at a great disadvantage. Both statistically and anecdotally boys are outperformed by girls in the areas of early self-regulation, pro-social behavior, and language and literacy skills.
One friend told me:
You have to like teaching boys. They are different than girls, but are often viewed as disrupters and troublemakers in comparison.
Boys internalize their academic failures and devalue education to mask their feelings of inadequacy. Socially, they are not expected to please their teachers the way girls are, which also contributes to poor academic outcomes. Resentment builds, and by middle school, boys think being smart is uncool and “girly”, while at the same time they are praised for their physical achievements in sports and video games.
Since the 1970s, women have surpassed men in terms of college enrollment and graduation rates in the U.S. Title IX of the Education Amendments of 1972, prohibiting discrimination on the basis of sex in education programs and activities, is a contributing factor, but it’s clear the achievement gap, and subsequent hits to boy’s and men’s self esteem begin much earlier.
Boys And Men Are Angry
Eager to find a scapegoat for their lack of self esteem and achievement, some men will put the blame squarely on women. Of course this does not translate into direct acts of violence, but over time, the systemic failure to educate boys sows the seeds for resentment and anger.
Rapists are just ordinary men — they are fathers, grandfathers, husbands, uncles. They are doctors, firefighters, priests and lawyers. Perhaps you haven't knowingly interacted with a rapist, but I guarantee that there is one, (if not more), in your life.
Maybe the rape they committed happened at a college party where everyone was drunk. Her inability to consent was seen as consent. Maybe the rapist is an older man who grew up during a time when marital rape did not exist because sex on demand was part of the marriage contract.
It wasn't until 1993 that marital rape was criminalized in all 50 states.
Male Anger Meets Female Dehumanization
In some states there continues to be significant differences in the way marital rape and non-marital rape are criminalized; factors include: the legal definitions of consent, shorter reporting periods, less severe penalties, or excluding situations where no violence is used.
Rapists are not the big bad wolf, they are in line with you at the grocery store or the bank, they are sitting next to you in a doctor's waiting room, or in the window seat on a flight to Chicago. It's that common.
Women have had their reproductive rights, their autonomy, and their very personhood stripped away. Dehumanizing women makes sexual violence against them justifiable. I’ve often heard, “That’s just the way it is.” As if there’s nothing we can do about it.
Don’t tell me ‘not all men’ when I am told:
‘Dressed like that, what did you expect?’
We have to do better for all gender identities. Toxic masculinity and rape culture serve no one. It will take a heroic effort to end gender normativity, reform public school curriculums, and decriminalize women’s bodily autonomy. Fuck, that’s a tall order.
Thank you so much for stepping into this arena and sharing your perspective. I appreciate and agree, but more so respect you for saying what many of us (myself included) are too afraid to put to words.
I love you. ❤️
Oof. Amy. This is powerful. So much packed into so few words. Just look at that timeline. This is the United States of America, my friend. Your son is profoundly lucky to have you as his mom. Much love to you. 💕🥰🫶