Dear Mark,
I am writing to you on behalf of my nipples—they have a message for you. They hope you are well and enjoying your billions, with a “B”! Sure, you could end world hunger and homelessness, but who wants that when you could spend twelve minutes in space with Oprah’s cosplaying best friend? Yes, that was Bezos, whatever.
You’re not still mad that they compared a photo of you at Trump’s inauguration to Beaker the Muppet? That was all in good fun, and you have to admit there is a resemblance.
I wish I could say that my nipples just want to shoot the shit, but they are ladies and don’t have time for that nonsense. Plus, they don’t like you (neither do I), so I’ll get to the point on their behalf.
You are in danger!
Calm down man! Not physical danger. It’s much worse: losing money, power and control danger!
Now that they have your semi-undivided attention, (they know, “nipples” is a very distracting word), they need to tell you about the bipartisan bill that was just introduced to sunset section 230 of the Communications Decency Act of 1996.
Yes, they know, that was a long time ago, thirty years to be exact, but if these morons in Congress have their way, you are fucked. Not literally, like, who would look at you and think, “I want a piece of that”? Okay, maybe Elmo, but come on, they need you to focus!
Section 230 is every tech billionaire’s favorite section of the CDA, remember? It protects websites and platforms (think social media) from liability when idiots post offensive content. You and my nipples have already agreed to disagree about what is considered “offensive” (you think it’s my them and they think it’s you), but without section 230, Meta and other web hosts become liable for EVERYTHING posted on their platforms.
We already need ciphers to decode any references to s3x, I mean sex, even in the context of education. There are no universally accepted character substitutions, but generally, we use “grape” for rape, “corn” for porn, and “sw” for sex workers. Sometimes we replace the letters “a” with “@” and “s” with “$”, so asshole becomes @$$hole. For example, “Tech bros are always the @$$holes in the room.”
Looks ridiculous? Well, you better get used to it because if the aptly named Dick Durban (Sen. D-IL) has his way, (as of this writing he’s still alive), you’ll only see puppy and kitten pictures on Instagram and Facebook. Okay, that’s mostly what’s posted now anyway, but you’ll face YUUUGE fines for the ones sporting swastikas!
While traditional sunsets are beautiful, even more so now since Trump’s roll back of environmental protections allowed the release of more air pollutants, if section 230 sunsets, it won’t be pretty. Bye-bye free speech, or what’s left of it. Bye-bye lingerie and bikinis. Bye-bye to your autonomy and world domination.
This may sound crazy, but the four of us (you, me, and my nipples) need to join forces to make sure section 230 remains intact.
My nipples would also like me to remind you that your Oversight Board called for a major revamp of your haphazard and discriminatory nudity policies. You know they disproportionately target women, transgender, and non-binary users by heavily restricting FEMALE nipples while allowing men to walk around bare-chested. It’s time you heeded my nipples’ cry:
Set us free NOW!
It’s time to round up your fellow tech bros and get them on board with the plan.
Oh right, the PLAN! It’s a little complicated, so pay close attention:
Each company contacts their finance department and requests that large sums of money be transferred to the bill’s sponsors and supporters.
Tell them to make sure the bill doesn’t pass. You gotta do what you gotta do, am I right?
Huh, it’s really not that complicated as after all.
Mark, what do you think? Can you and your fellow tech bros save free speech? Will you rescue democracy and become beloved national heroes? Well, no, that will never happen, but you’ll all be a little less hated. Maybe.
My nipples aren’t going to lie, it will take acts of kindness, empathy and compassion before you are allowed anywhere near heaven, but this is a good place to start your redemption tour. If you are successful, you and your cronies will still be creepy, friendless losers, but my beloved nipples will allow you to stare at them for as long as you like.
Sincerely,
Amy Gabrielle (on behalf of my nipples)
