October 23, 2025
Who cares about anything?
It’s 7:09 AM.
Twenty-one minutes until I have to wake up my son and get him ready for school.
I pick up my phone, laying face down on my nightstand.
The last software update turned off most of my notifications and I never turned them back on.
There’s a freedom in not knowing I have a text or an email waiting for my attention.
I get most of my news from Instagram so I open the app to see what fuckery Trump has been up to while most of America slept.
That was a mistake.
October 25, 2025
The pain and the shame have been relentless the past two days. The thought of promoting my memoir had me laying on the bathroom floor in the fetal position for an hour last night–a new record. I see what other writers are doing and how they promote themselves even when it feels hard, but I was frozen.
The thoughts won’t stop coming: I am a loser, I don’t deserve good things, my best days are behind me and it’s never going to get any better than what I had when Steven was alive. His belief in me helped me to believe in myself. It feels like my self worth and pride in my abilities died with him.
How is he gone? My brain still cannot fully process that reality. It feels like I will never be loved again; no eyes will light up when they see me after a long day’s work. How did I not see that coming? How did I ever think I would be in love again? I was so fucking naive and stupid.
I am fifty-eight years old, but in my head I think I’m still in my forties. I didn’t want to face the truth that I will grow old(er) alone. Not only did I fool others, but I fooled myself into believing that I was building a new life. It’s laughable when you take a good look and see that I have no life at all.
I alienate people who care about me, I turn my anger outward, but what I’m really feeling inside is loneliness and pain. I feel like I don’t deserve the money I have–isn’t it ill gotten gains? I need to hold on to at least some of it for Henry, it should be there for him. I just want to be a generous person like Steven. I know my selfishness was fear of not having enough.
I am tired all the time; I barely have a life outside of my apartment. No pets, no house plants, no travel, no sports. Why would anyone want to hang out with me? Seriously, what do I have to offer besides my body? I know I have a good life and I am grateful. I feel dumb for wanting more when I had everything I wanted. I had forgotten that nothing lasts forever, but now I have greatly scaled down my expectations. I see a lonely life ahead of me, but I’m both sad and grateful to let go of a dream.
November 7, 2025
So tired. I don’t see the point of life anymore. I’m sure this feeling will pass, it always does eventually.
December 8, 2025
I was right, those hard feelings did pass. No feeling lasts forever.
For anybody struggling, please hold on. Please stay.
We need you.
With love,
Amy 💕
