Thank you Bonnie! I am touched that you would become violent on my behalf 🤣 but for now bad thoughts will do. Okay, just kidding, mostly. I'm making it more complicated than it really is, but for some reason I can't let go of the story I'm telling myself. Here's what happened:
Someone asked me to check out the auction items at a book fair because there weren't enough bids. I like this person and wanted to support the fair, so I bid on a few things. I ended up "winning" a pep talk from a writer (someone I have heard of but not super famous). The writer emailed me and we set up a time to Zoom a few weeks in the future. I was excited and had it on my calendar. The date and time came but they never got on the Zoom. Honestly, I was worried. Were they sick? Dead in a ditch? I sent a short email saying I was sorry I missed them but didn't hear back for several hours. They apologized and said the didn't know how our meeting wasn't on their calendar. In reality I know it's a small thing, but it made me feel like I wasn't important at all.
I know I could choose to look at it a different way, l could choose to believe it was about their disorganization and not me personally (which is probably the truth), but I'm holding on to the story that I wasn't worth showing up to the meeting. I must be getting some payoff by thinking that, but I haven't figured it out. I guess it's a moot point because that was a month ago and now it feels weird to email them back about rescheduling. Hopefully I'll learn something about myself from this. In any case, I thought it would be interesting to explore the stories that we tell ourselves about other people's actions.
Yeah, good stuff. Do you remember when I did that Landmark seminar because my friend gave it to me for free? Anyway...one of the only things I remember (but it was a good one) when it came to "what am I getting out of this?" was the answer "You get to be right." That actually landed for me in the scenario I had been creating...
Wow! I hadn't thought of it this way. This is so interesting because I used to work with Henry on being more cognitively flexible. His autism caused him to be rigid, especially around being "right". He's very smart and often is right about facts, but I told him that it can be advantageous to refrain from confrontation to get what you want. If he's right, then the other person is wrong, and that makes people defensive. I've heard it expressed this way, "Would you rather be right, or have a happy/easier life?" It's so nuanced, I'm still trying to figure it out.
And how much I get in my head about being wronged. Especially about my exes!!
Good Lord, you’d think I was obsessed with them. Well. Maybe I was. A little. Like why weren’t they more devastated? And why did they just get on with their lives, while I’m pouting in the corner and cutting myself some cute new bangs?
Spot on! Can’t wait to find out how to get my courage back.
Hi Deborah! I've learned (the hard way, of course) that I can't wait until I have enough courage to do the scary things. Bravery is feeling afraid and doing it anyway, but we can take small steps to meet our goals rather than diving straight into the deep end. Sometimes "Just Do It" works, but most of the time I do better by building on smaller successes on the way to achieving those hard things.
As for getting in our own heads about being wronged... When I notice that I'm holding on to a painful story, obsessing over it, I ask myself what is the payoff? What do I gain by holding on to this pain? I don't always know the answer, but I think it's always worth asking. We only have control of our own thoughts, feelings and actions, so it's always in our power to release a painful story. The question is, why don't we do it?
Bangs are a cry for help. You really have to trust the person who’s cutting them. I went to one hairdresser for years because she was an expert at cutting bangs. When she quit to sell real estate, I took it personally that she did it suddenly and with no notice. It was like losing a therapist. It took me ten years to find someone who could cut my bangs properly, until the time he did not. I couldn’t summon one iota of forgiveness, because doing my bangs right was the entire basis of our (costly) relationship. Not sure what my point is, other than that I really get it about dismissive or insincere apologies. It gets old. But I decided not to engage. It wasn’t worth the energy. And I grew out my bangs and am relatively at peace with my hair. Love you!💛💕🥰
Mary, you made me laugh so hard, thank you!! Indeed, it was a cry for help 🤣. With time, the bangs will grow out and I will know inner peace again. Until then, I have my wonderful friend who puts a smile on my face, even in the darkest of times. XO
Absolutely, here's to being our own cheerleader! However, when we need the squad with us, we must NEVER hesitate to call in the forces. Never does it feel good to be blown off, forgotten, or worst of all INVISIBLE! Most times, who is the loudest for me is my inner child. She really can have the mouth of a salty sailor when needed! She's my one who as the BIGGEST feelings around such occurrences. Heartfelt hugs to my NY pal. Xo💜
LOVE this photo! Can’t wait to see more pictures. I present as a confident person, but my confidence an illusion. (I might be a puffer fish.) I recently took my 48-year old son to dinner and I was destroyed by his lack of respect. Of course I had to write about it because I’m unable to express myself face to face. Sheesh. Ironically the title is ‘Please Listen’.
Hi Sharon! Let's say your confidence is situational rather than an illusion because it's real. Of course we all have people in our lives where it feels risky to be completely honest. I'm so sorry your son was disrespectful and I can understand why that might not be something you want to confront him about head on. I know for me, whenever I feel angry with my son, I really feel angry at myself. My thoughts always go to, "If I was a better mother, he wouldn't be a better son/person." Sending hugs and support! XO
I agree 💯. It's also tricky because it's normal, even healthy, to seek some outside validation. Acceptance equals safety, while being outcast meant danger, even death for early humans. We still have those instincts even when the stakes aren't that high. We can be true to ourselves, be our own cheerleaders and also find our tribe, the one that accepts us just as we are.
I like your bangs. I have never been violent. Forgiveness is key. I am terrible with my own confidence.
Thank you Jonathan! We are all working on building our confidence. Little by little we have small victories.
1. I like your bangs. 2. Do I need to beat anyone up on your behalf? I've never really been violent, but I would do it. For you. ❤️
Thank you Bonnie! I am touched that you would become violent on my behalf 🤣 but for now bad thoughts will do. Okay, just kidding, mostly. I'm making it more complicated than it really is, but for some reason I can't let go of the story I'm telling myself. Here's what happened:
Someone asked me to check out the auction items at a book fair because there weren't enough bids. I like this person and wanted to support the fair, so I bid on a few things. I ended up "winning" a pep talk from a writer (someone I have heard of but not super famous). The writer emailed me and we set up a time to Zoom a few weeks in the future. I was excited and had it on my calendar. The date and time came but they never got on the Zoom. Honestly, I was worried. Were they sick? Dead in a ditch? I sent a short email saying I was sorry I missed them but didn't hear back for several hours. They apologized and said the didn't know how our meeting wasn't on their calendar. In reality I know it's a small thing, but it made me feel like I wasn't important at all.
I know I could choose to look at it a different way, l could choose to believe it was about their disorganization and not me personally (which is probably the truth), but I'm holding on to the story that I wasn't worth showing up to the meeting. I must be getting some payoff by thinking that, but I haven't figured it out. I guess it's a moot point because that was a month ago and now it feels weird to email them back about rescheduling. Hopefully I'll learn something about myself from this. In any case, I thought it would be interesting to explore the stories that we tell ourselves about other people's actions.
Yeah, good stuff. Do you remember when I did that Landmark seminar because my friend gave it to me for free? Anyway...one of the only things I remember (but it was a good one) when it came to "what am I getting out of this?" was the answer "You get to be right." That actually landed for me in the scenario I had been creating...
Wow! I hadn't thought of it this way. This is so interesting because I used to work with Henry on being more cognitively flexible. His autism caused him to be rigid, especially around being "right". He's very smart and often is right about facts, but I told him that it can be advantageous to refrain from confrontation to get what you want. If he's right, then the other person is wrong, and that makes people defensive. I've heard it expressed this way, "Would you rather be right, or have a happy/easier life?" It's so nuanced, I'm still trying to figure it out.
Oh. My. Gosh.
It’s like you heard the conversation in my head.
About the bangs 🤣
And how much I get in my head about being wronged. Especially about my exes!!
Good Lord, you’d think I was obsessed with them. Well. Maybe I was. A little. Like why weren’t they more devastated? And why did they just get on with their lives, while I’m pouting in the corner and cutting myself some cute new bangs?
Spot on! Can’t wait to find out how to get my courage back.
Hi Deborah! I've learned (the hard way, of course) that I can't wait until I have enough courage to do the scary things. Bravery is feeling afraid and doing it anyway, but we can take small steps to meet our goals rather than diving straight into the deep end. Sometimes "Just Do It" works, but most of the time I do better by building on smaller successes on the way to achieving those hard things.
As for getting in our own heads about being wronged... When I notice that I'm holding on to a painful story, obsessing over it, I ask myself what is the payoff? What do I gain by holding on to this pain? I don't always know the answer, but I think it's always worth asking. We only have control of our own thoughts, feelings and actions, so it's always in our power to release a painful story. The question is, why don't we do it?
You are a wise woman. Thank you ✨🙏💖
I like the cut and the bangs from what I can see… 🤔 😁You have great hair.
Thank you Susan!
Bangs? Oh, my. I love you. Dying to see your bangs. Whom do we have to hurt?
Thank you Nan! Better to save our malevolence for the authoritarian government, but I do appreciate your solidarity. XO
Damn it, you’re right! xo
Bangs are a cry for help. You really have to trust the person who’s cutting them. I went to one hairdresser for years because she was an expert at cutting bangs. When she quit to sell real estate, I took it personally that she did it suddenly and with no notice. It was like losing a therapist. It took me ten years to find someone who could cut my bangs properly, until the time he did not. I couldn’t summon one iota of forgiveness, because doing my bangs right was the entire basis of our (costly) relationship. Not sure what my point is, other than that I really get it about dismissive or insincere apologies. It gets old. But I decided not to engage. It wasn’t worth the energy. And I grew out my bangs and am relatively at peace with my hair. Love you!💛💕🥰
Mary, you made me laugh so hard, thank you!! Indeed, it was a cry for help 🤣. With time, the bangs will grow out and I will know inner peace again. Until then, I have my wonderful friend who puts a smile on my face, even in the darkest of times. XO
Absolutely, here's to being our own cheerleader! However, when we need the squad with us, we must NEVER hesitate to call in the forces. Never does it feel good to be blown off, forgotten, or worst of all INVISIBLE! Most times, who is the loudest for me is my inner child. She really can have the mouth of a salty sailor when needed! She's my one who as the BIGGEST feelings around such occurrences. Heartfelt hugs to my NY pal. Xo💜
LOVE this photo! Can’t wait to see more pictures. I present as a confident person, but my confidence an illusion. (I might be a puffer fish.) I recently took my 48-year old son to dinner and I was destroyed by his lack of respect. Of course I had to write about it because I’m unable to express myself face to face. Sheesh. Ironically the title is ‘Please Listen’.
Hi Sharon! Let's say your confidence is situational rather than an illusion because it's real. Of course we all have people in our lives where it feels risky to be completely honest. I'm so sorry your son was disrespectful and I can understand why that might not be something you want to confront him about head on. I know for me, whenever I feel angry with my son, I really feel angry at myself. My thoughts always go to, "If I was a better mother, he wouldn't be a better son/person." Sending hugs and support! XO
I agree 💯. It's also tricky because it's normal, even healthy, to seek some outside validation. Acceptance equals safety, while being outcast meant danger, even death for early humans. We still have those instincts even when the stakes aren't that high. We can be true to ourselves, be our own cheerleaders and also find our tribe, the one that accepts us just as we are.