Great work here, Amy (exclamation point!) But seriously, so much depth and great details. The more specific and slow the scene, the more enrapt I find myself. More more more...
Hi Bonnie, this is such great feedback for me. I really enjoyed Zooming with you last week. I hope your retreat and visit with your friends are amazing experiences and I'm so happy to hear you are feeling much better after being so sick. XO 🥰❤️
I really felt your heart in this one. Love that you stomped on the phone, shared about the boot from your own bed, and your “cringe” bumble exchange!! I could read for the rest of the day and be dialed in.
Thank you my darling K! Your feedback, enthusiasm and support are so appreciated. I'm looking forward to upping my EQ with a new post from the queen herself. Love you, XO 🥰❤️
One of your gifts is communicating the raw experience of being a human. There’s no editing the real details or attempts to achieve a perfect world. There is so much emotion in your connection to Steven and the longing and rage are so real and powerful. Keep going….. keep writing….
Everyone else has said it all, but I am enjoying (not quite the right word) your memoir. You're doing a good job of strengthening the emotional punch by not writing about it so much directly. Keep it up. Incidentally, my post tonight is also on a highly emotive topic, but not about me.
That was moving and powerful. Your words resonate. I appreciate your ability to accept complexity. I think we all want to feel like we can be a bird and fly above and escape the pain life throws at us, but it's not really like that. The pain stays. It holds us to this Earth while we are here. But the beauty and love and joy are there too. If Steven could talk to you, I think he would say, thank you for thinking of me so deeply, Amy. You gave me joy, and I want you still to feel joy, even if I'm not there to experience it with you.
Simon, you brought tears to my eyes with your sweet message about what Steven would say. I think you are right, but I really hadn’t seen it before. He was such a kind and generous man that he would want me to have as much joy in my life as I brought him. Before cancer took over our lives we had so much love and appreciation for each other. He taught me, by his example, to be a more compassionate and generous person. I’m so grateful he was mine.
I love your raw honesty and vulnerability here. The anger that is associated with grief/anticipatory grief is rarely ever talked about and I feel like you're breaking the shame stigma of that by acknowledging it so beautifully in a human way.
Also - over exclamation point user here!! (I cringe at myself, but I can't stop!)
I love you Mesa, and there is no limit to the number of exclamation points we can use with each other!!!! (see 🥰). You always know exactly what to say and what I’m thinking about. I don’t know how you do it, I’m just grateful that you do. Shame slayers unite!!! I bought a bag of Nestle’s Toll House chocolate chips and I just eat them randomly by the handful. I thought you would approve. Now we just need to add some coffee and sushi. XO ❤️❤️❤️
Considering I just baked a giant batch of Nestle Tollhouse dark chocolate chip cookies last night and then saved the extra bag for the chip handfuls - I absolutely approve!! Hahahahahaha!!! I love you so much and I cannot wait for the coffee and sushi dates we will have one day!! Xoxoxo
I just love reading your book week to week. I hold on to the email to read before I start my own post for the week, enjoying the opportunity of falling in to your story before I am called to return to my own. Nothing else yet…just letting you know you have my eyes.
Jess, this comment touches me so deeply. How do I thank you for giving me the encouragement to keep moving forward even when it's hard? I suppose I'll just have to say I appreciate you, your kindness, and loving spirit. I've said it before, but it's worth repeating - I can't wait to read you story in the next anthology. XO 🥰🥰❤️❤️
Hi Amy, I feel the sting of missing the everyday moments ... like the sound of his voice. I so get the frustration re people not getting that you are a changed person ... and the need to isolate. Brave woman, keep going ... people need to hear and feel this. Sending love 💜
Hi Simone, I'm so grateful you found me. You "get it" in a way that not everyone can (which is sort of a good thing because being a widow is so hard). It's not easy reliving some of these feelings, but you remind me why I need to keep going. It's not just helpful for others, it helps me too. Sending much love, XO 🥰❤️
Amy, I can feel the unimaginable pain of your loss. Life is unfair. It makes me sad to see you struggling, but I also see from what you say that you are very strong and determined. I would think that you do not need to waste your time with dating apps as a measure of your self-worth. You are worth it, and despite all your pain and loneliness and losses, I see your strength in the face of unimaginable pain. Just believe in yourself.
Thank you Olya for your kind comment and for seeing me through the pain. It really helps to have you believe in me even when I sometimes have trouble believing in myself. Much love, XO 🥰
Good work, Amy. You have a gift for communicating heart to heart, almost as if there are no words or wires or screens in the way.
You also reminded me, how when I was at the bottom, not only did people exhaust me, I also couldn’t bring myself be around them. I remember one Thanksgiving when we were with all the people who loved me and who I loved, but I simply not be with them. I felt like I was about to explode from anxiety, so I hid away in an empty bedroom and covered my ears. It was always like that. The hardest struggle I faced in these past few years was bravely, because it took all the courage I could muster, reaching out to old friends and colleagues to renew relationships. Each time, I was full of dread and anxiety, but each time left me with a little more joy and confidence. The fact that I can now put myself out there on Substack is pretty good proof that healing is possible, and your story reinforces that belief for me.
Thank you for sharing your story with me, it really does help to know I am not the only one going through these emotions. Once of the hardest things about the grieving process for me is how hard I am on myself. Even though I know my capacity is different in many areas since Steven died, I still feel disappointed when I cannot live up to my former standards of behavior. Hustle culture is so ingrained that I sometimes feel defective when I cannot keep up. We both deserve kindness and support, and I'm happy we can give that to each other even when we can't give it to ourselves. 🥰
I was being especially hard on myself during a counseling session when my counselor interrupted and asked me if I would say things like that about someone else? Sheepishly, I said no. “Then try to be nice to yourself once in a while. You’re a person, too,” she scolded.
It’s kind of hard advice to hear and practice, but it’s necessary. I have to remind myself, “Would I say and think things like that about the little kid me?”
Exactly! It makes so much sense when someone else says it, but not always easy to remember when we are in the thick of our own self-loathing. Maybe we should put up Post-its that say, "You are deserving of love and kindness!".
Sometimes when I get annoyed with my dearly beloved over some meaningless snit, a glimpse of her as a little girl in an old photo will pop into my head and stop me cold. How can I be like that to a sweet, innocent little girl?
Rona, I cannot tell you how much I admire your writing, I especially love listening to your voiceovers. I haven't commented on your latest post about your mother and her critique of your mothering and I wanted to. I had what I thought was such a great relationship with my mother until I wanted to get married and she thought it was a stupid idea. She withdrew her love and attention and never really got to know my husband or my son. She died 4 months after Steven was diagnosed with incurable cancer and I really haven't been able to mourn her. Since she died in 2018 I've also lost my aunt, my father-in-law, my husband and 4 months later my father in Dec 2021. It's taken me two years to start mourning my husband and I wonder if I'll ever be able feel the loss of my parents. At one time it was inconceivable that I'd survive living without my mom so the reality is still somewhat shocking. Sorry, I didn't mean to go on and on. Your writing is just so good, and your mother piece really hit home for me.
Amy, you’re so right. Grief is complicated. I love everything about this chapter, and can feel the beating heart of it. Right now, I’m dealing with the worst pain and rage I’ve felt in the eighteen months since he died, over a two-month battle with a security camera company, trying to unlink his account so that I can use the equipment. It’s been hard for me to function at all because of it. The last few days have been particularly awful. So I totally get smashing the phone. I feel like smashing mine, along with everything else within striking distance.
You do read beautifully. Your memoir is coming together beautifully. Much love, to you and Henry.💕🫶🥰
Oh Mary, that's so frustrating! A two-month battle, ugh. I hope they know who they're dealing with. It's really a bad idea to fuck with widows. We've lived through the loss of the closest person in our life, do they think we're going to let some administrative miss-mosh take us down? No way. My money is always on you Mary, 100%. Thank you so much for always supporting my writing and making me feel a little less crazy than I probably am 🤣. Much love right back to you, XO ❤️
Amy, it was torture. I got an email from them this morning. They’d finally unlinked his account and allowed me to link mine. I wrote a long follow-up, detailing what I’d been through with them. I can’t go into it now because my blood pressure would go through the roof. I immediately got a follow-up email, with an apology and an offer of a free camera. “Do you want a free camera?” was the actual wording. I’m speechless. One phone call alone lasted 44 minutes, and they STILL did not unlink it.
The things they put us through. No, they are not going to buy me off with a camera. A new car, maybe. 🫶❤️💕
Ah, Amy. I misspoke. The wording was “I would like to offer you a complimentary camera as consolation. Please let me know if you would like a complimentary camera.” 🤣🤣🤣
I'm recently retired after 54 years in radio. I've done hundreds of commercials and narrations. Your voice is distinctive and your reading effective. Most people try too hard. You have the relaxed middle ground between amateur and over the top. It's a pleasant quality for a well constructed story. I'm looking forward to hearing or reading more.
I can relate to the idea of getting exhausted around people. I'm what you might call a social introvert. I need the company of other people, somewhat, but not too much. Sometimes when I'm socializing I'll find myself suddenly wishing I was alone so I wouldn't have the burden of having to smile and chit chat.
I hope your writing fills your need, at least in part. I find it does, for me.
Yes! I agree that writing does fill my need for being around people much of the time. I especially like sharing it on Substack because it allows for a deeper level of conversation with people I wouldn't normally have the opportunity to meet. I still need real, in-person, human contact, which I probably don't get enough of, although I'm not as isolated in a large apartment building as I would be in a single family house. I am also very lucky that my 12 year old son still likes to hug me, so I think I get the recommended 8 per day necessary for emotional growth.
Great work here, Amy (exclamation point!) But seriously, so much depth and great details. The more specific and slow the scene, the more enrapt I find myself. More more more...
Hi Bonnie, this is such great feedback for me. I really enjoyed Zooming with you last week. I hope your retreat and visit with your friends are amazing experiences and I'm so happy to hear you are feeling much better after being so sick. XO 🥰❤️
Bonnie! Amy!! Bonnie said it best (again!)
I really felt your heart in this one. Love that you stomped on the phone, shared about the boot from your own bed, and your “cringe” bumble exchange!! I could read for the rest of the day and be dialed in.
Love you so much.
Please keep going!
Thank you my darling K! Your feedback, enthusiasm and support are so appreciated. I'm looking forward to upping my EQ with a new post from the queen herself. Love you, XO 🥰❤️
What Bonnie and K. Said (!)
One of your gifts is communicating the raw experience of being a human. There’s no editing the real details or attempts to achieve a perfect world. There is so much emotion in your connection to Steven and the longing and rage are so real and powerful. Keep going….. keep writing….
You are just the best! I am so grateful for your messages encouraging me to keep going. I feel motivated and supported. Sending much love, 🥰❤️
♥️🥰 I’m glad.
Everyone else has said it all, but I am enjoying (not quite the right word) your memoir. You're doing a good job of strengthening the emotional punch by not writing about it so much directly. Keep it up. Incidentally, my post tonight is also on a highly emotive topic, but not about me.
Hi Ann!
Thank you so much for this comment. I know we've talked a little about showing rather than telling. It's not easy!
I'm curious to read your new piece!
That was moving and powerful. Your words resonate. I appreciate your ability to accept complexity. I think we all want to feel like we can be a bird and fly above and escape the pain life throws at us, but it's not really like that. The pain stays. It holds us to this Earth while we are here. But the beauty and love and joy are there too. If Steven could talk to you, I think he would say, thank you for thinking of me so deeply, Amy. You gave me joy, and I want you still to feel joy, even if I'm not there to experience it with you.
Simon, you brought tears to my eyes with your sweet message about what Steven would say. I think you are right, but I really hadn’t seen it before. He was such a kind and generous man that he would want me to have as much joy in my life as I brought him. Before cancer took over our lives we had so much love and appreciation for each other. He taught me, by his example, to be a more compassionate and generous person. I’m so grateful he was mine.
I feel this. " I was lonely, and still angry at Steven for leaving me, whether that made sense or not." I feel the whole piece, Anne. Nice work. xo
I love your raw honesty and vulnerability here. The anger that is associated with grief/anticipatory grief is rarely ever talked about and I feel like you're breaking the shame stigma of that by acknowledging it so beautifully in a human way.
Also - over exclamation point user here!! (I cringe at myself, but I can't stop!)
Xoxo
I love you Mesa, and there is no limit to the number of exclamation points we can use with each other!!!! (see 🥰). You always know exactly what to say and what I’m thinking about. I don’t know how you do it, I’m just grateful that you do. Shame slayers unite!!! I bought a bag of Nestle’s Toll House chocolate chips and I just eat them randomly by the handful. I thought you would approve. Now we just need to add some coffee and sushi. XO ❤️❤️❤️
Considering I just baked a giant batch of Nestle Tollhouse dark chocolate chip cookies last night and then saved the extra bag for the chip handfuls - I absolutely approve!! Hahahahahaha!!! I love you so much and I cannot wait for the coffee and sushi dates we will have one day!! Xoxoxo
I just love reading your book week to week. I hold on to the email to read before I start my own post for the week, enjoying the opportunity of falling in to your story before I am called to return to my own. Nothing else yet…just letting you know you have my eyes.
Jess, this comment touches me so deeply. How do I thank you for giving me the encouragement to keep moving forward even when it's hard? I suppose I'll just have to say I appreciate you, your kindness, and loving spirit. I've said it before, but it's worth repeating - I can't wait to read you story in the next anthology. XO 🥰🥰❤️❤️
Oh please keep moving forward. The world needs this story. I need your story. And I will be honored to have you read mine. 😘
Sending a big hug as you come alive again through your transition and grief. No more words more other than I love you.
Thank you Megan. This comment went straight to my heart. Sending so much love, XO 🥰❤️
Hi Amy, I feel the sting of missing the everyday moments ... like the sound of his voice. I so get the frustration re people not getting that you are a changed person ... and the need to isolate. Brave woman, keep going ... people need to hear and feel this. Sending love 💜
Hi Simone, I'm so grateful you found me. You "get it" in a way that not everyone can (which is sort of a good thing because being a widow is so hard). It's not easy reliving some of these feelings, but you remind me why I need to keep going. It's not just helpful for others, it helps me too. Sending much love, XO 🥰❤️
Yes, the writing is the best therapy 💕✍🏻💜🙏
Amy, I can feel the unimaginable pain of your loss. Life is unfair. It makes me sad to see you struggling, but I also see from what you say that you are very strong and determined. I would think that you do not need to waste your time with dating apps as a measure of your self-worth. You are worth it, and despite all your pain and loneliness and losses, I see your strength in the face of unimaginable pain. Just believe in yourself.
Thank you Olya for your kind comment and for seeing me through the pain. It really helps to have you believe in me even when I sometimes have trouble believing in myself. Much love, XO 🥰
Good work, Amy. You have a gift for communicating heart to heart, almost as if there are no words or wires or screens in the way.
You also reminded me, how when I was at the bottom, not only did people exhaust me, I also couldn’t bring myself be around them. I remember one Thanksgiving when we were with all the people who loved me and who I loved, but I simply not be with them. I felt like I was about to explode from anxiety, so I hid away in an empty bedroom and covered my ears. It was always like that. The hardest struggle I faced in these past few years was bravely, because it took all the courage I could muster, reaching out to old friends and colleagues to renew relationships. Each time, I was full of dread and anxiety, but each time left me with a little more joy and confidence. The fact that I can now put myself out there on Substack is pretty good proof that healing is possible, and your story reinforces that belief for me.
Thank you for sharing your story with me, it really does help to know I am not the only one going through these emotions. Once of the hardest things about the grieving process for me is how hard I am on myself. Even though I know my capacity is different in many areas since Steven died, I still feel disappointed when I cannot live up to my former standards of behavior. Hustle culture is so ingrained that I sometimes feel defective when I cannot keep up. We both deserve kindness and support, and I'm happy we can give that to each other even when we can't give it to ourselves. 🥰
I was being especially hard on myself during a counseling session when my counselor interrupted and asked me if I would say things like that about someone else? Sheepishly, I said no. “Then try to be nice to yourself once in a while. You’re a person, too,” she scolded.
It’s kind of hard advice to hear and practice, but it’s necessary. I have to remind myself, “Would I say and think things like that about the little kid me?”
Exactly! It makes so much sense when someone else says it, but not always easy to remember when we are in the thick of our own self-loathing. Maybe we should put up Post-its that say, "You are deserving of love and kindness!".
Try thinking about that little girl Amy.
Sometimes when I get annoyed with my dearly beloved over some meaningless snit, a glimpse of her as a little girl in an old photo will pop into my head and stop me cold. How can I be like that to a sweet, innocent little girl?
Have a good day, Amy.
You are so real to your readers. “Why are you the account manager?” Stomping on your phone for good measure. This is how you deliver reality.
Rona, I cannot tell you how much I admire your writing, I especially love listening to your voiceovers. I haven't commented on your latest post about your mother and her critique of your mothering and I wanted to. I had what I thought was such a great relationship with my mother until I wanted to get married and she thought it was a stupid idea. She withdrew her love and attention and never really got to know my husband or my son. She died 4 months after Steven was diagnosed with incurable cancer and I really haven't been able to mourn her. Since she died in 2018 I've also lost my aunt, my father-in-law, my husband and 4 months later my father in Dec 2021. It's taken me two years to start mourning my husband and I wonder if I'll ever be able feel the loss of my parents. At one time it was inconceivable that I'd survive living without my mom so the reality is still somewhat shocking. Sorry, I didn't mean to go on and on. Your writing is just so good, and your mother piece really hit home for me.
Amy, you’re so right. Grief is complicated. I love everything about this chapter, and can feel the beating heart of it. Right now, I’m dealing with the worst pain and rage I’ve felt in the eighteen months since he died, over a two-month battle with a security camera company, trying to unlink his account so that I can use the equipment. It’s been hard for me to function at all because of it. The last few days have been particularly awful. So I totally get smashing the phone. I feel like smashing mine, along with everything else within striking distance.
You do read beautifully. Your memoir is coming together beautifully. Much love, to you and Henry.💕🫶🥰
Oh Mary, that's so frustrating! A two-month battle, ugh. I hope they know who they're dealing with. It's really a bad idea to fuck with widows. We've lived through the loss of the closest person in our life, do they think we're going to let some administrative miss-mosh take us down? No way. My money is always on you Mary, 100%. Thank you so much for always supporting my writing and making me feel a little less crazy than I probably am 🤣. Much love right back to you, XO ❤️
Amy, it was torture. I got an email from them this morning. They’d finally unlinked his account and allowed me to link mine. I wrote a long follow-up, detailing what I’d been through with them. I can’t go into it now because my blood pressure would go through the roof. I immediately got a follow-up email, with an apology and an offer of a free camera. “Do you want a free camera?” was the actual wording. I’m speechless. One phone call alone lasted 44 minutes, and they STILL did not unlink it.
The things they put us through. No, they are not going to buy me off with a camera. A new car, maybe. 🫶❤️💕
Ah, Amy. I misspoke. The wording was “I would like to offer you a complimentary camera as consolation. Please let me know if you would like a complimentary camera.” 🤣🤣🤣
I’m holding out for a complimentary car.
This is really excellent. It sounds like a major publication read by a polished narrator. Is that you we're hearing?
Thanks Dave! Yes, that's me reading. I feel like I always make too many mistakes while recording but you make me feel much better about it 🥰.
I'm recently retired after 54 years in radio. I've done hundreds of commercials and narrations. Your voice is distinctive and your reading effective. Most people try too hard. You have the relaxed middle ground between amateur and over the top. It's a pleasant quality for a well constructed story. I'm looking forward to hearing or reading more.
Thanks for the continue glimpse into your becoming!
Loved the voice over too ❤️
Thank you Jamal ❤️. I think your voiceover was much smoother, but I’m learning 🥰
I can relate to the idea of getting exhausted around people. I'm what you might call a social introvert. I need the company of other people, somewhat, but not too much. Sometimes when I'm socializing I'll find myself suddenly wishing I was alone so I wouldn't have the burden of having to smile and chit chat.
I hope your writing fills your need, at least in part. I find it does, for me.
Yes! I agree that writing does fill my need for being around people much of the time. I especially like sharing it on Substack because it allows for a deeper level of conversation with people I wouldn't normally have the opportunity to meet. I still need real, in-person, human contact, which I probably don't get enough of, although I'm not as isolated in a large apartment building as I would be in a single family house. I am also very lucky that my 12 year old son still likes to hug me, so I think I get the recommended 8 per day necessary for emotional growth.
My kids are grown up and I don’t see them every day, so I don’t get as many hugs as in the past, but we hug when we see each other. It’s important.z
I think it’s why people get dogs and cats. There’s something about that regular physical contact that is sustaining.
Me too