Oh, Amy. Appreciate your transparency. It’s tough and requires a parent to be ‘on’, when grief turns you ‘off.’ And of course for you, no break from parenting via a spouse / partner.
You know him best so trust in that.
When my brother died this year, my son who just turned 11 and also neurodiverse, social and high functioning (forgive wrong terms), was forced to confront death and death-too-soon. It was no longer only for super old grandparents. This realization translated to the real possibility that I will die and could die on him, same for his dad. It also translated to the idea that he himself can die early as a kid when he wants to live and grow up.
Sharing this as the separation anxiety and being away for 8 weeks from you (little contact at most camps) sounds especially scary right now.
The anger day in and day out is hard as hell, but resentment is so so difficult to come back from.
If you have any ounces of capacity now, explore the new relationship with him as a 12 year old who’s lived a transformative experience well before most grownups - morning walks, activities he is interested in, come back home and earn screen time bc of the outing or activity… structure in the day that allows for natural boundaries. Know easier said than done. In few months, you’ll have a new system through consistency.
I don’t intend to overstep or put my challenges on you - you have allowed me to feel safe in such a quick time, so I may be saying too much.
Trust yourself. Deep down in your gut. Quiet the mind and the emotions, there will be a knowing inside. Keep listening until you feel it. You are a great mom. 💓
Thank you so much Shaista, I welcome your insight and wisdom. You are not overstepping, so please keep sharing with me. I’m sure your son was deeply impacted by your brother’s death, and of course he has a new awareness (and fear) about death and loss. It was something that came up in my son’s school when Steven died. It’s difficult for adults too, because all of a sudden bad things just don’t happen to “other” people. I have not made a decision about the summer yet, but ideally I would rather he worked up to time away from me. For now, I have the wifi programmed to only be on his computer for 1 hour per day, so he will have to find other activities to keep himself occupied. It was heartbreaking to see how he came apart when I told him about the new limitations, but he’s calmed down now. We played chess for a little while, but then he got bored. Hopefully I will have the capacity to turn things around for him, but I’m trying to give myself grace for letting it get so bad. I will keep sharing, and I hope you will keep honoring me with your sage advice and perspective. Thank you for being here. 🙏❤️
Thank you! So gracious of you. I can’t expect anyone to understand what’s behind my four walls day in and out, and I do not assume I know anyone’s either. If I speak of my experience, it stops there. At mine. But where safe with people like you that are truly open and confident to take (or leave) what speaks to them, we can build a village. Because it is hard. Sending you capacity and strength 💞
My thoughts are with you. My son has been deceased many years. I chose never to have any more children after his death. I remarried & helped raise three girls. It was a different time. No computers, Internet, etc. Tough decisions to have to make alone. Maybe there will be some other single (widow?) parents who can share their experiences with you. I hope they speak up and/or reach out to you.
Thank you Julia. You have had more than your share of heartbreak. I am inspired by your ability to keep living life on your own terms, to remarry and parent 3 girls, while forever honoring your son’s life. I haven’t managed build a new, healthy relationship and find some stability for me and my son. I feel guilty about that. I know that I have his best interests at heart even if it doesn’t feel like it to him right now. I appreciate you always having words of encouragement and support. 🥰🙏
Amy, I wish I could come over with a bottle of wine and commiserate. Here are my thoughts: 1. As a former camp counselor way back in the mid 80s, the 9 year olds were far more likely to be homesick than the 12 year olds (also, #peerpressure) But if you send him, please make sure his medicine cabinet is well stocked with calm-the-fuck-down pills as needed, as well as his regular anxiety meds;
2. Parenting is fucking hard. No way around that one. The Practice Husband and I are the proud parents of a 30 year old - she was four when we divorced. Thus, I only parented every other week. I could write a book about all the times I felt inadequate. Or made mistakes. Or read the situation wrong. We sent the Divine Miss M to sleep away camp when she was eight - EIGHT. (The Practice Husband's girlfriend sent her kids there. . . ) I cried the first hour of the three hour drive home. But she came back with confidence and coping skills. Maybe you do the 5 weeks this summer, and check out the 8 week sleep away next year. What does your son think?
3. Wow. You weren't a perfect parent while grieving the loss of your husband/father of your child? What? Did he get fed? Clothed? Were his sheets washed a reasonable amount of the time? Amy Gabrielle, you were dealt one of life's worst hands and you and your son *got through it.* Are still *getting through it.* You deserve a medal.
4. Give yourself some grace. No one had the perfect parent. You are doing the best you can.
Hi Anne, thank you for this message 🙏🥰. I was never brave enough to go to sleep away camp, but Steven went for 8 weeks every summer. The thought of saying goodbye to H. for even a week makes me feel so sad. You made me laugh with the calm-the-fuck-down pills (do they make those for adults too? Asking for a friend). Thank you for always being the voice of reason when all I can think of is craziness. For now, we made it to bedtime with only one hour of WiFi, we played chess and then went for a walk after dinner. Hopefully tomorrow is better. I really appreciate your insights and your support. XO 🥰❤️🙏
Do they make calm-the-fuck-down pills for adults? Pft. How do you think I know about them? A few years ago, I saw my GP and said, “I need you to prescribe me something to calm the fuck down.” AND SHE DID. Not addictive or habit forming. Just takes away that ‘fight or flight’ response. I’ll message you.
I went through this when my son was 10…went to soccer camp for two weeks. They said, homesick, tears…he’ll want you, but don’t come get him, make him stay. It was harder on me…but by the second week he turned himself around. Same now for my daughter who’s son is away for 8 weeks. He can text and call but no visitors. I agree; you know in your heart and gut what’s best for him. Maybe 5 week choice is better? Maybe shifting your schedule to have days for just him… for 12 and up… showing him you recognize he’s growing into a young man. I’m not overstepping I hope… just thinking of him as a grandma and former teacher. Sending much love and strength to you, sweet girl. This video shows so clearly what a wonderful, caring mom you are! 🫶🥰❤️
Thank you Joan! I hear you 100% that it was harder on you than on your son. He probably doesn't remember it, but you do! Not overstepping at all. I love reading your comments and knowing that you care. I don't have a lot of people in my life that show up for me like my Substack community has. I'm not angry with family and friends because they don't understand. They are also invested in me being the same person I was when Steven was alive and I'm not. I think I also remind them that crappy things happen and life isn't fair. Of course we all know this on a cognitive level, but we'd never leave the house if we were afraid of the worst happening at any minute. 🙏🥰
How much of the discovery of life is going down a path where we can’t clearly see the ending to our narrative and story. Without answers it’s difficult to navigate ahead through these currents. What you don’t understand now I will become apparent later, and you’ll comprehend more why God put you through these tests. He’s growing you for a purpose! My prayers go out to you Amy!
Thank you so much Charlotte! You always have such kind and supportive words for me. You are right, it is hard to walk down a dark path, but if that's the only way forward, I'm taking it. XO 🙏🥰
Oh, darling. I have been off Substack and life for a while because it is has been too much. I don't even realize it is too much bc I and WE are on autopilot until we crack! I appreciate your openness and your truth and your honesty. It IS hard out here for parents, for kids, for all the beating open hearts. Sending love and some peaceful exhales your way.
Stephanie! I'm so glad you're here and at the same time I want to tell you to run for your life! Let's run away to a tropical island where no one can get access to us - no email, whatsapp, messenger, slack, imessage, snap, IG, tiktok... no Discord! It is overwhelming, but my son went for a walk with me after dinner last night because I programed our wifi to be active on his computer for 1 hour/day. We'll see what today brings, it's time to pick him up from school. I'll take the love and peaceful exhales right now 🥰🙏.
Amy, I wish I had words of wisdom that would be really helpful but I don’t; I’m in the same pre-teen/teen boat with you with two 12 year olds and a 15 year old and the struggle is real. I imagine doing it on your own while also grieving is (something I can’t really imagine and won’t try to because it is not my experience but what I’ll say is it sounds) incredibly difficult. And the thought that came to my mind is community. You have created a community here on Substack which is amazing and I wonder if you have people in your life that can support you? Maybe come over and help you talk out your thoughts about all this. Take your son for a night or two every couple of weeks? I wonder if starting with sleepovers would be helpful? Maybe a week at Grandmas or a cousins house? I know these are all just ideas that may not really be helpful but just thought I would brainstorm with you:). Ultimately you are not alone. And your post was helpful to me so thank you for sharing. I have been feeling completely crazy trying to navigate this time with my kids. They are also on screens quite a bit and I have often wanted to just pull the plug completely. We have settled on an hour off and an hour on in rotation to make sure it’s not hours and hours on end. Sometimes I think this is still too much screen time. And add in lots of anxiety that each are experiencing in different ways and oh me being a human too, and we have a recipe for absolute chaos. I feel like I hit a wall daily with what to do, feeling so sad and scared and stuck. I sometimes flee in exasperation and other times I find I can sit in the unknown with them and keep coming back to myself and my need for comfort and love and knowing that I can only give it to myself. When I get really still and clear about what I’m scared about and what I’m needing then something kind of shifts and we are just a little less stuck. I suppose this could go on for years and that is daunting, the ultimate practice is presence, right?! I also write lots of letters from love asking all sorts of questions about my fears about my kids and parenting; that helps a lot! Sending so much love!
Oh Janine! Two 12 year olds and a 15 year old! Yikes. We each have our own challenges, they are both hard. We are in the thick of it, but in all the crap of yesterday, I figured out how to set a schedule for the wifi on my son’s computer (he doesn’t have a phone yet). I set it so he has 1 hour per day from 7-8pm. After dinner when his friends can play, but an hour and a half before his new bedtime at 9:30pm. After his initial meltdown yesterday, which was an hour of him screaming that he needed the wifi and he would do ANYTHING to get it back (like an drug addict), he calmed down. I held firm, it wasn’t as hard as I thought. The schedule is set using the provider’s app (spectrum) and I don’t have to worry about making get on and off line. We ended up playing a game of chess, he read a book (omg!) and we went for a walk after dinner. I spent more time engaging with him last night than I have in a year! Sure, he’s not happy. It’s only been one day, and he’s still in withdrawal. I’ll keep you updated about camp, but I really don’t look at it like sending him away. This camp specializes in kids like him with ADHD or mild autism, and they help build their self esteem and sense of independence (age appropriate for a 12 year old). I haven’t given him that opportunity by doing everything for him. His growing up is hard for both of us, and I’ve been overprotective since his father died. That doesn’t do him any good, or help him feel good about himself by treading outside his comfort zone in a safe, and supervised way. Lmk if you find new techniques that work with your kids, and I’ll definitely tell you what’s making my life better. In solidarity, XO 🥰🥰
Oh my sweet friend.. hugs from miles away.. I'm a mom with one grownup daughter and a son who lives with his dad, but I remember the separation anxiety days. There were many.
Trust your gut when it comes to your boy. If there's any inkling that says don't send him away, or if you feel exactly like that's the best thing to do, listen to that. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.
But you know your son the best. Trust in that. Here for you whatever you need ❤️
"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same." Mesa, this is exactly it. I guess I don't look at it as sending him away, I should have said giving him the opportunity to find self confidence in his own abilities when safely pushed outside his comfort zone.
As his mom, it's been very hard for me to help him become more self-reliant (up to a point, he's 12). He hasn't sought more independence so it's a stagnant combination. After almost 3 years of doing everything for him, I am exhausted. There was no incentive for him to help, and I wanted to avoid a major conflict with him.
Yesterday was hard at first when we got home and he flipped out about no WiFi (for his computer). He was like an addict screaming he needed it and he would do anything if I would give it back to him. I held firm although my heart was breaking.
After an hour he calmed down and we played chess. Then we went for a walk after dinner. This morning he was asking me if we could leave for school instead of me asking him 3 times to stop his game and get ready. I can't believe I haven't cut off his WiFi sooner. He gets it for 1 hour a day and that's it.
We only made it through one day, so we'll see how it goes. I would miss him terribly if he was at camp even for a week, but that's not long enough to get over homesickness and start seeing some of the positive effects of doing a few things for himself. I've kept that from him by doing everything, and that wasn't good either. Why is there no instruction manual that comes with every child? 🤣
Thank you Niki! Yes, I know Summer, I'm already a subscriber. It makes sense that we would both be drawn to similar people on Substack. I appreciate you thinking of me. Tonight was a little better. We'll see how bedtime goes. I'm grateful for your support! 🥰🙏
Amy, you are not alone. You know that but knowing that doesn't necessarily make a difference in an absolute sense.
Just want to send you support from someone that understands a huge amount of what you're going through though not all of it necessarily. Reaching out for help in the community is in my experience, the best thing to do, and something I usually don't have the strength to do in the worst moments. Then again, for our kids, we have all the strength in the world don't we?
Under the best of circumstances, we as parents can never know what's right, even if everything looks great on paper and checks all of the societal normative or whatever boxes.
The only constant the only absolute and the only thing that really matters is how much we love and care for our kids and that we give them our best.
Clearly you have checked all those boxes.
Even with my extremely wonky relationship with hope, I feel as though that's everything and that, somehow, something / someone will take care of the rest…
Thank you @John Saltalamacchia ! I love that, “wonky relationship with hope”. That’s exactly how I feel but haven’t been able to put it into words. For a while, “hope” and I were not on good terms. Honestly, we’re not really speaking to each other because “hope” wants to make be believe that things will get better despite all evidence to the contrary. Although, I did get to play chess with my son for the first time in at least a year, and then we went for a walk after dinner. He’s got his one hour of Wifi now, so I’m giving him privacy. I told him to tell all his friends how mean I am. They will support him, which will be good. Even if our experiences are not exactly the same, it helps just reading your comments. I really does make a difference. 🙏🥰
Oh, Amy. Appreciate your transparency. It’s tough and requires a parent to be ‘on’, when grief turns you ‘off.’ And of course for you, no break from parenting via a spouse / partner.
You know him best so trust in that.
When my brother died this year, my son who just turned 11 and also neurodiverse, social and high functioning (forgive wrong terms), was forced to confront death and death-too-soon. It was no longer only for super old grandparents. This realization translated to the real possibility that I will die and could die on him, same for his dad. It also translated to the idea that he himself can die early as a kid when he wants to live and grow up.
Sharing this as the separation anxiety and being away for 8 weeks from you (little contact at most camps) sounds especially scary right now.
The anger day in and day out is hard as hell, but resentment is so so difficult to come back from.
If you have any ounces of capacity now, explore the new relationship with him as a 12 year old who’s lived a transformative experience well before most grownups - morning walks, activities he is interested in, come back home and earn screen time bc of the outing or activity… structure in the day that allows for natural boundaries. Know easier said than done. In few months, you’ll have a new system through consistency.
I don’t intend to overstep or put my challenges on you - you have allowed me to feel safe in such a quick time, so I may be saying too much.
Trust yourself. Deep down in your gut. Quiet the mind and the emotions, there will be a knowing inside. Keep listening until you feel it. You are a great mom. 💓
Thank you so much Shaista, I welcome your insight and wisdom. You are not overstepping, so please keep sharing with me. I’m sure your son was deeply impacted by your brother’s death, and of course he has a new awareness (and fear) about death and loss. It was something that came up in my son’s school when Steven died. It’s difficult for adults too, because all of a sudden bad things just don’t happen to “other” people. I have not made a decision about the summer yet, but ideally I would rather he worked up to time away from me. For now, I have the wifi programmed to only be on his computer for 1 hour per day, so he will have to find other activities to keep himself occupied. It was heartbreaking to see how he came apart when I told him about the new limitations, but he’s calmed down now. We played chess for a little while, but then he got bored. Hopefully I will have the capacity to turn things around for him, but I’m trying to give myself grace for letting it get so bad. I will keep sharing, and I hope you will keep honoring me with your sage advice and perspective. Thank you for being here. 🙏❤️
Thank you! So gracious of you. I can’t expect anyone to understand what’s behind my four walls day in and out, and I do not assume I know anyone’s either. If I speak of my experience, it stops there. At mine. But where safe with people like you that are truly open and confident to take (or leave) what speaks to them, we can build a village. Because it is hard. Sending you capacity and strength 💞
I will take all the capacity and strength I can get — thank you! XO
Sending you and Amy much love and empathy. ✨💜🤗
My thoughts are with you. My son has been deceased many years. I chose never to have any more children after his death. I remarried & helped raise three girls. It was a different time. No computers, Internet, etc. Tough decisions to have to make alone. Maybe there will be some other single (widow?) parents who can share their experiences with you. I hope they speak up and/or reach out to you.
Thank you Julia. You have had more than your share of heartbreak. I am inspired by your ability to keep living life on your own terms, to remarry and parent 3 girls, while forever honoring your son’s life. I haven’t managed build a new, healthy relationship and find some stability for me and my son. I feel guilty about that. I know that I have his best interests at heart even if it doesn’t feel like it to him right now. I appreciate you always having words of encouragement and support. 🥰🙏
Amy, I wish I could come over with a bottle of wine and commiserate. Here are my thoughts: 1. As a former camp counselor way back in the mid 80s, the 9 year olds were far more likely to be homesick than the 12 year olds (also, #peerpressure) But if you send him, please make sure his medicine cabinet is well stocked with calm-the-fuck-down pills as needed, as well as his regular anxiety meds;
2. Parenting is fucking hard. No way around that one. The Practice Husband and I are the proud parents of a 30 year old - she was four when we divorced. Thus, I only parented every other week. I could write a book about all the times I felt inadequate. Or made mistakes. Or read the situation wrong. We sent the Divine Miss M to sleep away camp when she was eight - EIGHT. (The Practice Husband's girlfriend sent her kids there. . . ) I cried the first hour of the three hour drive home. But she came back with confidence and coping skills. Maybe you do the 5 weeks this summer, and check out the 8 week sleep away next year. What does your son think?
3. Wow. You weren't a perfect parent while grieving the loss of your husband/father of your child? What? Did he get fed? Clothed? Were his sheets washed a reasonable amount of the time? Amy Gabrielle, you were dealt one of life's worst hands and you and your son *got through it.* Are still *getting through it.* You deserve a medal.
4. Give yourself some grace. No one had the perfect parent. You are doing the best you can.
Sending love and light.
Anne.
Hi Anne, thank you for this message 🙏🥰. I was never brave enough to go to sleep away camp, but Steven went for 8 weeks every summer. The thought of saying goodbye to H. for even a week makes me feel so sad. You made me laugh with the calm-the-fuck-down pills (do they make those for adults too? Asking for a friend). Thank you for always being the voice of reason when all I can think of is craziness. For now, we made it to bedtime with only one hour of WiFi, we played chess and then went for a walk after dinner. Hopefully tomorrow is better. I really appreciate your insights and your support. XO 🥰❤️🙏
Do they make calm-the-fuck-down pills for adults? Pft. How do you think I know about them? A few years ago, I saw my GP and said, “I need you to prescribe me something to calm the fuck down.” AND SHE DID. Not addictive or habit forming. Just takes away that ‘fight or flight’ response. I’ll message you.
I went through this when my son was 10…went to soccer camp for two weeks. They said, homesick, tears…he’ll want you, but don’t come get him, make him stay. It was harder on me…but by the second week he turned himself around. Same now for my daughter who’s son is away for 8 weeks. He can text and call but no visitors. I agree; you know in your heart and gut what’s best for him. Maybe 5 week choice is better? Maybe shifting your schedule to have days for just him… for 12 and up… showing him you recognize he’s growing into a young man. I’m not overstepping I hope… just thinking of him as a grandma and former teacher. Sending much love and strength to you, sweet girl. This video shows so clearly what a wonderful, caring mom you are! 🫶🥰❤️
Thank you Joan! I hear you 100% that it was harder on you than on your son. He probably doesn't remember it, but you do! Not overstepping at all. I love reading your comments and knowing that you care. I don't have a lot of people in my life that show up for me like my Substack community has. I'm not angry with family and friends because they don't understand. They are also invested in me being the same person I was when Steven was alive and I'm not. I think I also remind them that crappy things happen and life isn't fair. Of course we all know this on a cognitive level, but we'd never leave the house if we were afraid of the worst happening at any minute. 🙏🥰
How much of the discovery of life is going down a path where we can’t clearly see the ending to our narrative and story. Without answers it’s difficult to navigate ahead through these currents. What you don’t understand now I will become apparent later, and you’ll comprehend more why God put you through these tests. He’s growing you for a purpose! My prayers go out to you Amy!
Thank you so much Charlotte! You always have such kind and supportive words for me. You are right, it is hard to walk down a dark path, but if that's the only way forward, I'm taking it. XO 🙏🥰
Oh, darling. I have been off Substack and life for a while because it is has been too much. I don't even realize it is too much bc I and WE are on autopilot until we crack! I appreciate your openness and your truth and your honesty. It IS hard out here for parents, for kids, for all the beating open hearts. Sending love and some peaceful exhales your way.
Stephanie! I'm so glad you're here and at the same time I want to tell you to run for your life! Let's run away to a tropical island where no one can get access to us - no email, whatsapp, messenger, slack, imessage, snap, IG, tiktok... no Discord! It is overwhelming, but my son went for a walk with me after dinner last night because I programed our wifi to be active on his computer for 1 hour/day. We'll see what today brings, it's time to pick him up from school. I'll take the love and peaceful exhales right now 🥰🙏.
Amy, I wish I had words of wisdom that would be really helpful but I don’t; I’m in the same pre-teen/teen boat with you with two 12 year olds and a 15 year old and the struggle is real. I imagine doing it on your own while also grieving is (something I can’t really imagine and won’t try to because it is not my experience but what I’ll say is it sounds) incredibly difficult. And the thought that came to my mind is community. You have created a community here on Substack which is amazing and I wonder if you have people in your life that can support you? Maybe come over and help you talk out your thoughts about all this. Take your son for a night or two every couple of weeks? I wonder if starting with sleepovers would be helpful? Maybe a week at Grandmas or a cousins house? I know these are all just ideas that may not really be helpful but just thought I would brainstorm with you:). Ultimately you are not alone. And your post was helpful to me so thank you for sharing. I have been feeling completely crazy trying to navigate this time with my kids. They are also on screens quite a bit and I have often wanted to just pull the plug completely. We have settled on an hour off and an hour on in rotation to make sure it’s not hours and hours on end. Sometimes I think this is still too much screen time. And add in lots of anxiety that each are experiencing in different ways and oh me being a human too, and we have a recipe for absolute chaos. I feel like I hit a wall daily with what to do, feeling so sad and scared and stuck. I sometimes flee in exasperation and other times I find I can sit in the unknown with them and keep coming back to myself and my need for comfort and love and knowing that I can only give it to myself. When I get really still and clear about what I’m scared about and what I’m needing then something kind of shifts and we are just a little less stuck. I suppose this could go on for years and that is daunting, the ultimate practice is presence, right?! I also write lots of letters from love asking all sorts of questions about my fears about my kids and parenting; that helps a lot! Sending so much love!
Oh Janine! Two 12 year olds and a 15 year old! Yikes. We each have our own challenges, they are both hard. We are in the thick of it, but in all the crap of yesterday, I figured out how to set a schedule for the wifi on my son’s computer (he doesn’t have a phone yet). I set it so he has 1 hour per day from 7-8pm. After dinner when his friends can play, but an hour and a half before his new bedtime at 9:30pm. After his initial meltdown yesterday, which was an hour of him screaming that he needed the wifi and he would do ANYTHING to get it back (like an drug addict), he calmed down. I held firm, it wasn’t as hard as I thought. The schedule is set using the provider’s app (spectrum) and I don’t have to worry about making get on and off line. We ended up playing a game of chess, he read a book (omg!) and we went for a walk after dinner. I spent more time engaging with him last night than I have in a year! Sure, he’s not happy. It’s only been one day, and he’s still in withdrawal. I’ll keep you updated about camp, but I really don’t look at it like sending him away. This camp specializes in kids like him with ADHD or mild autism, and they help build their self esteem and sense of independence (age appropriate for a 12 year old). I haven’t given him that opportunity by doing everything for him. His growing up is hard for both of us, and I’ve been overprotective since his father died. That doesn’t do him any good, or help him feel good about himself by treading outside his comfort zone in a safe, and supervised way. Lmk if you find new techniques that work with your kids, and I’ll definitely tell you what’s making my life better. In solidarity, XO 🥰🥰
Oh my sweet friend.. hugs from miles away.. I'm a mom with one grownup daughter and a son who lives with his dad, but I remember the separation anxiety days. There were many.
Trust your gut when it comes to your boy. If there's any inkling that says don't send him away, or if you feel exactly like that's the best thing to do, listen to that. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.
But you know your son the best. Trust in that. Here for you whatever you need ❤️
"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same." Mesa, this is exactly it. I guess I don't look at it as sending him away, I should have said giving him the opportunity to find self confidence in his own abilities when safely pushed outside his comfort zone.
As his mom, it's been very hard for me to help him become more self-reliant (up to a point, he's 12). He hasn't sought more independence so it's a stagnant combination. After almost 3 years of doing everything for him, I am exhausted. There was no incentive for him to help, and I wanted to avoid a major conflict with him.
Yesterday was hard at first when we got home and he flipped out about no WiFi (for his computer). He was like an addict screaming he needed it and he would do anything if I would give it back to him. I held firm although my heart was breaking.
After an hour he calmed down and we played chess. Then we went for a walk after dinner. This morning he was asking me if we could leave for school instead of me asking him 3 times to stop his game and get ready. I can't believe I haven't cut off his WiFi sooner. He gets it for 1 hour a day and that's it.
We only made it through one day, so we'll see how it goes. I would miss him terribly if he was at camp even for a week, but that's not long enough to get over homesickness and start seeing some of the positive effects of doing a few things for himself. I've kept that from him by doing everything, and that wasn't good either. Why is there no instruction manual that comes with every child? 🤣
I'm glad you're doing the hard right things!!
Oh lordt how I wish they came with manuals 🤣🤣🤣
Sending you love, always Amy. Would love to introduce you to Summer Koester - 💓🙏https://substack.com/@summerisferal
Thank you Niki! Yes, I know Summer, I'm already a subscriber. It makes sense that we would both be drawn to similar people on Substack. I appreciate you thinking of me. Tonight was a little better. We'll see how bedtime goes. I'm grateful for your support! 🥰🙏
Oh good! ♥️♥️♥️ Yes! Thinking of you both! 💕💕
Amy, you are not alone. You know that but knowing that doesn't necessarily make a difference in an absolute sense.
Just want to send you support from someone that understands a huge amount of what you're going through though not all of it necessarily. Reaching out for help in the community is in my experience, the best thing to do, and something I usually don't have the strength to do in the worst moments. Then again, for our kids, we have all the strength in the world don't we?
Under the best of circumstances, we as parents can never know what's right, even if everything looks great on paper and checks all of the societal normative or whatever boxes.
The only constant the only absolute and the only thing that really matters is how much we love and care for our kids and that we give them our best.
Clearly you have checked all those boxes.
Even with my extremely wonky relationship with hope, I feel as though that's everything and that, somehow, something / someone will take care of the rest…
Sending ❤️ and 🫂
Thank you @John Saltalamacchia ! I love that, “wonky relationship with hope”. That’s exactly how I feel but haven’t been able to put it into words. For a while, “hope” and I were not on good terms. Honestly, we’re not really speaking to each other because “hope” wants to make be believe that things will get better despite all evidence to the contrary. Although, I did get to play chess with my son for the first time in at least a year, and then we went for a walk after dinner. He’s got his one hour of Wifi now, so I’m giving him privacy. I told him to tell all his friends how mean I am. They will support him, which will be good. Even if our experiences are not exactly the same, it helps just reading your comments. I really does make a difference. 🙏🥰