So.damn.good! Everyday grief is so real and is never talked about. It's a grief like emotion that comes on when I look in the mirror and see someone that looks like me, but is so different.. Thank you for sharing this today, it is much needed! Xoxo.
Yes!!! My darling Mesa, you always understand exactly what I mean. Grief comes in degrees, from catastrophic to mundane. I think the catalytic effect for personal growth is proportional to the severity of our grief. By the time women reach midlife, a lot of shit has happened to us. Micro aggressions add up to trauma with a small 't', but the grief is so big. We don't often recognize this as trauma at because it isn't the result of a singular event or terrible abuse (although some of us have that too). Grief is hard, but grieving is healing. Let's normalize and embrace it all! XO 🥰🥰🥰🥰
That concept "everyday grief". It seems so mundane, but its so what grief actually feels like. Showing up, every day, and almost being surprised by who you see or how you feel in your own skin. Love that.
Oh, that sounds wonderful and scary, to be recruited for a big new job. If you had substituted the word "job" with "adventure" I think your decision would have been a lot easier. Perhaps I'm reading this wrong and you have already accepted, in which case, congratulations to you my dear Bonnie! 🎉 I know our society considers our 40s to be "midlife" but that's when I got married and had a baby - it's still so young to me.
Yes, I believe grieving is just a normal part of life. It's a sign that we've loved someone and have happy memories with them which now live in the past. It's not just nostalgia, or bittersweetness. There is grief in moving forward, even when we are also happy about it. There is grief in endings and beginnings, just as there can be joy. I know you've had a rough time of it recently. Sending you and your family strength and healing. XO 🥰🙏🥰🙏
Thank you Jess! We put so much focus on "healing" ourselves that sometimes we forget to live. Grief brings so many lessons that I wouldn't want to erase it. We don't have to focus on the despair or the joy, it's both at the same time. I would love for this to become a normalized way to think about grief. XO 🥰🙏
Yep! Grief and aging are not linear and planned in a bullet journal. We try so hard to make it so. At least I can only speak for myself. There are opportunities for experiencing joy at every age as well as cultivating a life. Menopause is a trip I gotta say. No period—-yaaaaay! Other stuff——egads! lol. Life is flux. All is in motion. Much of aging is staying active and connected either socially or to nature, animals, etc navigating grief is a dance and a practice. Thank you, Amy.
"Grief is a dance and a practice." !!! Yes, that's a perfect way of expressing how we navigate despair and joy. One could not exist without the other, and sometimes one leads, while the other follows. Learning how to avoid stepping on our own feet is the work of a lifetime. XO 🥰😍🥰😍
Amy! Thank you so much for this. Grief does not come to us in the way we’ve been conditioned to expect. The thought that losing my husband could actually open my heart to new possibilities was a real surprise. It’s the same with aging. Such a relief to simply not care about what others think. As in, you mean I don’t have to put on makeup before I take out the trash? However, I must take issue with your comment that you’re “invisible”: you’re a pretty spectacular-looking woman. Much love to you.💕🙏🥰
Thank you my dear friend! I'm only spectacular in two dimensions 🤣🤣🤣. In real life I like to keep a very low profile. It's more about my attitude than the clothes, makeup and hair. I only feel safe expressing my sexual self alone (with my camera) or with another consenting adult. I'm hyper vigilant about my environment, which is exhausting. Recently my animal instinct to always be on the lookout for prey is in overdrive. As for the trash, I take it down the hall to the incinerator in my pajamas. 🥰❤️😍
It is the bull crap of the bulls horn! Time to ram it, jam it, forget about it.
All life could be called a crisis, or a creative impulse bursting through to live more of you — not deny anything or say one this is better than another, one age better than the next — who says so?
Ram it, jam it and dance it all the way till you drop — life is for living.
Prajna, I feel your passion and I love it! Life is for living! One age is not better or worse than another, yes!!! It’s so true. I love this comment so much, your voice is so strong and unique. Deep gratitude that you found me 🙏🥰😍
I would love to hear you read your work, or mine if it puts a rasp in your voice. Recording audio for most of my writing really helps me with editing and flow. If it sounds good out loud, it will read well too. Plus it's fun to do a little emoting while I read. It brings something extra to those we like the sound of my voice 🤣🥰😍
I think you’re onto something. I’ve come to believe there are two primary motivations in life, love and grief. Love moves us one way, grief another. Each can be the source of goodness and not-good.
Well said Linda! There's a realization that grief and love can, and do exist at the same time. We label one "good" and the other "bad" but I think they both fall on the spectrum which encompasses both. 🥰🙏
Amy, this is an excellent, poignant post about living in mid-life. I am so sorry about the loss of your beloved husband. Grief is tough and never ends.
When I was in my 30s, I was diagnosed and treated for breast cancer, and that changed how I live my life. While I dislike the pains and aches (and the weight gain) of getting older, I don't mind being invisible, and I view aging as a gift that is denied to many people. I have decided to follow my dream as an artist and oil paint -- and that gives me the joy I need to help get through life.
Beth, I love everything about this comment! Of course I don't love that you were treated for breast cancer in your 30s (or any age) but you chose to grow through your grief. Of course, not every minute of every day, but you let it change you and the way you see life. Agreed, the aches and pains I feel just getting out of bed some mornings are not fun, but it beats the alternative, which is not getting up at all. XO 😍🙏😍🙏
This gave me a giggle, thank you! I'm on the other end of the spectrum - I am squarely my age as a whole number until my actual birthday, at which time I become the next whole number for another year 🤣. I am officially 57 - no more and no less 🥰
I feel the same way about you! There was a ten year gap in between, in which I did a lot of crazy things too. And then the relationship took a lot of work and perseverance to reach a mutual level of commitment, but #1, he never messed around on me or I on him during our half dozen or so breakups in between❤️🩹❤️.
One other thing—the state of the art husband I brag about in my latest post—as he heals spectacularly from a partial knee replacement—is partially a secret joy to me because, unlike my previous husband who died of cancer after I had only known him 4 years, is in otherwise lrrtty good health
I'm so happy to hear that your husband is healing well and is in good health. Medical trauma from going through cancer treatment with your spouse is real, and so is the fear of losing love again. You are a brave woman Marilyn, and I hope I can be like you one day - letting go of fear and letting in love.
Sorry to keep going with this. One of the thingsI had to work through is feeling responsible for his dying, even though I knew it was irrational, and then my relationships with his kids didn’t last, and it was just me and my tween daughter feeling abandoned again. My only true regret over all this now is that my daughter was too young to know how to deal with all this, and I was too overwhelmed to know how to do anything but try to make sure we both survived. WhenI say life isn’t fair, I am not even trying to play victim. It is just the truth. Again, I will catch up with all your posts in time, and find myself in awe of your courage, wit, humor, and grace. Yes, grace.
Please, don't be sorry! I feel so much of what you wrote. The guilt that I couldn't save my husband, that I should have seen his tumor sooner, that I should have made him go for regular check ups, and the list goes on. My son was 9 when his dad died. He's 12 now and I wonder where my little boy went. How did he get to be taller than me? I have also been overwhelmed and trying to survive - these past three years have gotten away from me. I feel I need to be twice as good a parent to make up for the one he lost, but my capacity has been halved. Your kind words have truly brought tears to my eyes. Why is it so much easier to give others grace than to give it to ourselves. You are awesome.
Yeah, I wrote a lot through the grief. PTSD from so many things. Complicated grief, they like to call it. i’m sure you can relate. You are already brave, and you are already letting go of fear and letting in love. With your writing and being an inspiration to many other women and men too, I guess. You’re perfect as you are, in every way.
I really enjoy your articles—one of them—maybe this one? Helps me to understand why my 47-year old daughter is posting on OnlyFans. She doesn’t know I know, I didn’t even know what that was before my granddaughter told me. But addiction plays a large part in all of this and that may be where the similarity ends. I am a widow too but now married to someone I really love even more deeply this time probably because of how much I’ve had to stretch and grow. We know life ain’t fair but it can be very rich.
Thank you so much for this comment Marilyn - on so many levels.
As for Onlyfans, there's a huge spectrum of what people post, and how they post it (pay per view, monthly subscription, free). It's not easy to make money on Onlyfans, or any similar platform because there's so much content.
It's also a lot of work and takes superior organizational skills. I posted to make money, but I already had a following from Instagram when I started. Still, I didn't last long because it's hard work and women have to put up with a lot of crap.
As a widow, you inspire me to keep the hope that I may find love again. I am so happy when I hear stories like yours, I really appreciate you sharing with me.
I’m so glad I found you. This resonated with me so much, the idea of everyday grief, but also this:
“If you were bombarded with messages to fight a losing battle, to actually stop the signs of aging, you’d be grieving too. It’s exhausting, not to mention expensive as hell.”
There’s a constant feeling I have of not belonging, and ironically, trying not to care about anti-aging endeavors makes me feel like even more of an outcast. It’s become such an expectation amongst men and women that if you have the resources, you must do everything you can to retain your youth and looks. I care somewhat, cuz I’m human, but I also don’t. I’d much rather have a meaningful conversation with someone about the purpose of my life rather than the latest creams and beauty procedures. To each his own, but my time, money, and energy are limited, and I’d rather be fuckin’ real. Thanks for the thought provoking post and the space to rant!
Hell yes! All rants are welcome, and I’m glad we found each other. Ageism is 100% real, especially for women. I’ve bought my share of creams, ointments and procedures, mostly out of fear when my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer in 2018. He died 3 years later at 53. I wondered who would want me now? I was 54 raising our 9 yr old son on the autism spectrum alone. I didn’t think I could do it alone, but I was wrong. On 8/25 it will be 3 years since he died. I’m exhausted much of the time, (at 57 with a 12 yr old boy that’s expected anyway), but I’m still here, doing my thing.
Wow! I can’t imagine how hard these past three years have been for you, and I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. I’m not a widow but a divorcee, and that, too, three years ago! And I have a 14 year old, so some commonality there. I’m 44, but still very much feeling the single mom aches and pains, both physical and psychological. Sometimes I feel like I am just getting out of survival mode and starting to really process the grief. Which is why I’m gravitating to any and all discussions of grief these days. It’s inspiring to hear about your journey and read about your insights and attitudes here. I look forward to reading more!!!
So.damn.good! Everyday grief is so real and is never talked about. It's a grief like emotion that comes on when I look in the mirror and see someone that looks like me, but is so different.. Thank you for sharing this today, it is much needed! Xoxo.
Yes!!! My darling Mesa, you always understand exactly what I mean. Grief comes in degrees, from catastrophic to mundane. I think the catalytic effect for personal growth is proportional to the severity of our grief. By the time women reach midlife, a lot of shit has happened to us. Micro aggressions add up to trauma with a small 't', but the grief is so big. We don't often recognize this as trauma at because it isn't the result of a singular event or terrible abuse (although some of us have that too). Grief is hard, but grieving is healing. Let's normalize and embrace it all! XO 🥰🥰🥰🥰
I love this, Amy. 🌸🌸
Thank you Lisa! 🥰
That concept "everyday grief". It seems so mundane, but its so what grief actually feels like. Showing up, every day, and almost being surprised by who you see or how you feel in your own skin. Love that.
Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!! So well said. Good timing too as I've just been recruited for a big new job and am considering what I want to with middle age. ❤️
Oh, that sounds wonderful and scary, to be recruited for a big new job. If you had substituted the word "job" with "adventure" I think your decision would have been a lot easier. Perhaps I'm reading this wrong and you have already accepted, in which case, congratulations to you my dear Bonnie! 🎉 I know our society considers our 40s to be "midlife" but that's when I got married and had a baby - it's still so young to me.
Congrats Bonnie. 💙
Beautifully said. I went through a time of grief last year over several different things and one was my youth
Yes, I believe grieving is just a normal part of life. It's a sign that we've loved someone and have happy memories with them which now live in the past. It's not just nostalgia, or bittersweetness. There is grief in moving forward, even when we are also happy about it. There is grief in endings and beginnings, just as there can be joy. I know you've had a rough time of it recently. Sending you and your family strength and healing. XO 🥰🙏🥰🙏
Thanks so much,Amy! You are one of my favorite people here ❤️
Ditto girlfriend, XO 🥰😍
I love the AND/BOTH here. Grief AND growth. Letting go AND leaning in. Thanks for the duality. It helps.
Thank you Jess! We put so much focus on "healing" ourselves that sometimes we forget to live. Grief brings so many lessons that I wouldn't want to erase it. We don't have to focus on the despair or the joy, it's both at the same time. I would love for this to become a normalized way to think about grief. XO 🥰🙏
Absolutely! So much power and freedom in the BOTH.
Yep! Grief and aging are not linear and planned in a bullet journal. We try so hard to make it so. At least I can only speak for myself. There are opportunities for experiencing joy at every age as well as cultivating a life. Menopause is a trip I gotta say. No period—-yaaaaay! Other stuff——egads! lol. Life is flux. All is in motion. Much of aging is staying active and connected either socially or to nature, animals, etc navigating grief is a dance and a practice. Thank you, Amy.
"Grief is a dance and a practice." !!! Yes, that's a perfect way of expressing how we navigate despair and joy. One could not exist without the other, and sometimes one leads, while the other follows. Learning how to avoid stepping on our own feet is the work of a lifetime. XO 🥰😍🥰😍
💛🥰💛🥰💛🥰
Amy! Thank you so much for this. Grief does not come to us in the way we’ve been conditioned to expect. The thought that losing my husband could actually open my heart to new possibilities was a real surprise. It’s the same with aging. Such a relief to simply not care about what others think. As in, you mean I don’t have to put on makeup before I take out the trash? However, I must take issue with your comment that you’re “invisible”: you’re a pretty spectacular-looking woman. Much love to you.💕🙏🥰
Thank you my dear friend! I'm only spectacular in two dimensions 🤣🤣🤣. In real life I like to keep a very low profile. It's more about my attitude than the clothes, makeup and hair. I only feel safe expressing my sexual self alone (with my camera) or with another consenting adult. I'm hyper vigilant about my environment, which is exhausting. Recently my animal instinct to always be on the lookout for prey is in overdrive. As for the trash, I take it down the hall to the incinerator in my pajamas. 🥰❤️😍
Powerful essay! Thank you.
Thank you! I appreciate that you let me know your thoughts 🥰
It is the bull crap of the bulls horn! Time to ram it, jam it, forget about it.
All life could be called a crisis, or a creative impulse bursting through to live more of you — not deny anything or say one this is better than another, one age better than the next — who says so?
Ram it, jam it and dance it all the way till you drop — life is for living.
Okay - on a roll...
I'll stop now.
I love this, Amy. Thank you
Prajna, I feel your passion and I love it! Life is for living! One age is not better or worse than another, yes!!! It’s so true. I love this comment so much, your voice is so strong and unique. Deep gratitude that you found me 🙏🥰😍
Oh my, this is so GD good. I read it with rasp in my voice, croaking out the truths (I love reading writing out loud!). Yeah.
I would love to hear you read your work, or mine if it puts a rasp in your voice. Recording audio for most of my writing really helps me with editing and flow. If it sounds good out loud, it will read well too. Plus it's fun to do a little emoting while I read. It brings something extra to those we like the sound of my voice 🤣🥰😍
I think you’re onto something. I’ve come to believe there are two primary motivations in life, love and grief. Love moves us one way, grief another. Each can be the source of goodness and not-good.
Well said Linda! There's a realization that grief and love can, and do exist at the same time. We label one "good" and the other "bad" but I think they both fall on the spectrum which encompasses both. 🥰🙏
Amy, this is an excellent, poignant post about living in mid-life. I am so sorry about the loss of your beloved husband. Grief is tough and never ends.
When I was in my 30s, I was diagnosed and treated for breast cancer, and that changed how I live my life. While I dislike the pains and aches (and the weight gain) of getting older, I don't mind being invisible, and I view aging as a gift that is denied to many people. I have decided to follow my dream as an artist and oil paint -- and that gives me the joy I need to help get through life.
Beth, I love everything about this comment! Of course I don't love that you were treated for breast cancer in your 30s (or any age) but you chose to grow through your grief. Of course, not every minute of every day, but you let it change you and the way you see life. Agreed, the aches and pains I feel just getting out of bed some mornings are not fun, but it beats the alternative, which is not getting up at all. XO 😍🙏😍🙏
i meant to say, i REALLY enjoyed your article 🤩
I read between the lines, that came across loud and clear. Much appreciation to you!
like a parent of a toddler im still counting the fractions of years.
i turned fifty six and a half yesterday.
am i my own toddler ? 🤣
anyway…even though im not a “woman friend”
i can still wish you happy and hope all the tumblers click
into place for you
in tha combination lock of middle life 😊
This gave me a giggle, thank you! I'm on the other end of the spectrum - I am squarely my age as a whole number until my actual birthday, at which time I become the next whole number for another year 🤣. I am officially 57 - no more and no less 🥰
I would sincerely like to be my own toddler. How fun!
Can you imagine? We could heal all our childhood wounds and ascend to the next level, wherever that might be 🤣.
It’s truly an idyllic concept!
I feel the same way about you! There was a ten year gap in between, in which I did a lot of crazy things too. And then the relationship took a lot of work and perseverance to reach a mutual level of commitment, but #1, he never messed around on me or I on him during our half dozen or so breakups in between❤️🩹❤️.
One other thing—the state of the art husband I brag about in my latest post—as he heals spectacularly from a partial knee replacement—is partially a secret joy to me because, unlike my previous husband who died of cancer after I had only known him 4 years, is in otherwise lrrtty good health
I'm so happy to hear that your husband is healing well and is in good health. Medical trauma from going through cancer treatment with your spouse is real, and so is the fear of losing love again. You are a brave woman Marilyn, and I hope I can be like you one day - letting go of fear and letting in love.
Sorry to keep going with this. One of the thingsI had to work through is feeling responsible for his dying, even though I knew it was irrational, and then my relationships with his kids didn’t last, and it was just me and my tween daughter feeling abandoned again. My only true regret over all this now is that my daughter was too young to know how to deal with all this, and I was too overwhelmed to know how to do anything but try to make sure we both survived. WhenI say life isn’t fair, I am not even trying to play victim. It is just the truth. Again, I will catch up with all your posts in time, and find myself in awe of your courage, wit, humor, and grace. Yes, grace.
Please, don't be sorry! I feel so much of what you wrote. The guilt that I couldn't save my husband, that I should have seen his tumor sooner, that I should have made him go for regular check ups, and the list goes on. My son was 9 when his dad died. He's 12 now and I wonder where my little boy went. How did he get to be taller than me? I have also been overwhelmed and trying to survive - these past three years have gotten away from me. I feel I need to be twice as good a parent to make up for the one he lost, but my capacity has been halved. Your kind words have truly brought tears to my eyes. Why is it so much easier to give others grace than to give it to ourselves. You are awesome.
Back at you.
Yeah, I wrote a lot through the grief. PTSD from so many things. Complicated grief, they like to call it. i’m sure you can relate. You are already brave, and you are already letting go of fear and letting in love. With your writing and being an inspiration to many other women and men too, I guess. You’re perfect as you are, in every way.
I really enjoy your articles—one of them—maybe this one? Helps me to understand why my 47-year old daughter is posting on OnlyFans. She doesn’t know I know, I didn’t even know what that was before my granddaughter told me. But addiction plays a large part in all of this and that may be where the similarity ends. I am a widow too but now married to someone I really love even more deeply this time probably because of how much I’ve had to stretch and grow. We know life ain’t fair but it can be very rich.
Thank you so much for this comment Marilyn - on so many levels.
As for Onlyfans, there's a huge spectrum of what people post, and how they post it (pay per view, monthly subscription, free). It's not easy to make money on Onlyfans, or any similar platform because there's so much content.
It's also a lot of work and takes superior organizational skills. I posted to make money, but I already had a following from Instagram when I started. Still, I didn't last long because it's hard work and women have to put up with a lot of crap.
As a widow, you inspire me to keep the hope that I may find love again. I am so happy when I hear stories like yours, I really appreciate you sharing with me.
I’m so glad I found you. This resonated with me so much, the idea of everyday grief, but also this:
“If you were bombarded with messages to fight a losing battle, to actually stop the signs of aging, you’d be grieving too. It’s exhausting, not to mention expensive as hell.”
There’s a constant feeling I have of not belonging, and ironically, trying not to care about anti-aging endeavors makes me feel like even more of an outcast. It’s become such an expectation amongst men and women that if you have the resources, you must do everything you can to retain your youth and looks. I care somewhat, cuz I’m human, but I also don’t. I’d much rather have a meaningful conversation with someone about the purpose of my life rather than the latest creams and beauty procedures. To each his own, but my time, money, and energy are limited, and I’d rather be fuckin’ real. Thanks for the thought provoking post and the space to rant!
Hell yes! All rants are welcome, and I’m glad we found each other. Ageism is 100% real, especially for women. I’ve bought my share of creams, ointments and procedures, mostly out of fear when my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer in 2018. He died 3 years later at 53. I wondered who would want me now? I was 54 raising our 9 yr old son on the autism spectrum alone. I didn’t think I could do it alone, but I was wrong. On 8/25 it will be 3 years since he died. I’m exhausted much of the time, (at 57 with a 12 yr old boy that’s expected anyway), but I’m still here, doing my thing.
Wow! I can’t imagine how hard these past three years have been for you, and I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. I’m not a widow but a divorcee, and that, too, three years ago! And I have a 14 year old, so some commonality there. I’m 44, but still very much feeling the single mom aches and pains, both physical and psychological. Sometimes I feel like I am just getting out of survival mode and starting to really process the grief. Which is why I’m gravitating to any and all discussions of grief these days. It’s inspiring to hear about your journey and read about your insights and attitudes here. I look forward to reading more!!!