Well, This Is Awkward...
Why I took the Substack app off my phone.
I’ll get straight to the point. I took the Substack app off my phone because I was constantly checking for likes, comments, and new subscribers.
There, I said it. My name is Amy and I’m an Substack approval junkie. The first step is admitting I have a problem, right?
I know I could have set up notifications if I wanted to, but I did’t. Unless I’m in an app or on a website, I don’t want to know what’s happening in social media land.
Yeah, you heard that right. Substack is a form of social media. In any case, it makes me feel the same way Instagram does; slightly nauseous and anxious.
Like I need MORE ways for people to get in touch with me?
I just saw that Substack now has DMs. For the love of Ray J, please make it stop!
I know a lot of this is my personality. I’m extremely empathetic. In the real world I’m an ace at interpreting voice inflections and body language. I can “read between the lines” if you will, which is ironic because when I’m reading actual lines of text, I always just assume the worst, like, “Ugh, what did I do now?”
It’s not a conscious thought, it’s a nervous system response. Remember, the first step is admitting you have a problem, and I have many. I do take comfort in the fact that, “A bitch ain't one.”
Wait, am I the bitch? Maybe I am because I also had to delete TikTok, but for an entirely different reason. It’s super embarrassing, but we’re friends, right? You wouldn’t judge me, would you?
It started innocently enough with a Dr. Pimple Popper TikTok in my feed. Man-o-man was that pop satisfying! Before I knew it, I watched video on her channel.
This is where it gets ugly because the algorithm got wise to my activity and I was bombarded with more pimple popping content. At first I refused to watch anything involving an ungloved popper because obviously the poppee was being taken advantage of. It didn’t last.
Eventually I just deleted the app because I knew I not only had a problem, I was PART of the problem. Heavy sigh.
Instagram is another animal. I started my account 18 months ago and have built up a nice following. Thank goodness I can work the privacy settings on my DMs so I’m not too overwhelmed.
Yeah, I’m addicted to the likes, follows and comments on that platform too, but there’s a big difference: I’m popular on IG. On Substack I’m nobody. Yes, I just started my account two weeks ago, but that doesn’t make me feel better.
So now, I’m mad at myself for being an approval junkie and I’m mad at not getting the approval. Again, on a cognitive level, I know this is crazy. I’m at a point in my life where I really don’t give a fudge what anyone thinks of me, and a few people are thinking, and saying some unkind things over on IG.
When you boil it all down, the real addiction I’m suffering from is distraction. I tend to feel very griefy when I’m not occupied. I’m learning to sit with it, I cry a lot. It helps.
In the meantime, I’m leaving the Substack app off my phone. I’m sure I’m missing some of the platform’s functionality without it, but my own ability to function must take precedence.
Don’t forget to like and comment!!
Oh, never mind.
Thank you Amy for your kind words of support and encouragement. It brought tears to my eyes! “I have learned that the sad feelings will not last forever and they will not break me (or you).” This is what I most fear! That I will be broken and never be whole again. It’s so helpful to hear your story and connect with someone who can be beacon❤️
Hi Amy, I’m new to Substack via Letters from Love with Liz Gilbert:). I’ve been off social media for years now because I felt it was drowning and suffocating me so I can relate to what you’re saying more than I can express here. I was hoping Substack wouldn’t be the same as other social media platforms but if it sparks the same feelings I had before on Facebook then I guess I’m just falling right back into the trap I had to pry myself out of when I deleted the app from my phone and never went back. I am going to have to be careful and watch myself closely as I walk this path on Substack. I really enjoy your writing and candidness. I was drawn to the post you linked in Letters from Love because of my husband’s health and near death experiences. I seem to dance around the idea of loss and grief almost as a way to prepare myself but also as a way to try to protect myself against it. He is fine right now but we always live a little on edge. So thank you for giving me a space to come and touch the sidelines of a game I never want to play but may have to one day. I don’t even want to write those words because I feel like I am betraying the life we have built on the hope for a long future. The possibility is there but ignoring the other possibilities seems foolish.