Thank you Amy for your kind words of support and encouragement. It brought tears to my eyes! “I have learned that the sad feelings will not last forever and they will not break me (or you).” This is what I most fear! That I will be broken and never be whole again. It’s so helpful to hear your story and connect with someone who can be beacon❤️
I am so glad. I know your fear, I fear the same thing. I will be broken. Time, and time again, I have given in to the deep feelings of loneliness and despair, and those feelings ended. The more I pushed the feelings away, the harder it was. You really are not alone. I've been on meds for clinical depression for almost 30 years - way before I even met my husband. Think of giving in the fear and sadness a little at a time - it's like exposure therapy. The more you feel it and survive, the more you believe in your own strength.
Hi Amy, I’m new to Substack via Letters from Love with Liz Gilbert:). I’ve been off social media for years now because I felt it was drowning and suffocating me so I can relate to what you’re saying more than I can express here. I was hoping Substack wouldn’t be the same as other social media platforms but if it sparks the same feelings I had before on Facebook then I guess I’m just falling right back into the trap I had to pry myself out of when I deleted the app from my phone and never went back. I am going to have to be careful and watch myself closely as I walk this path on Substack. I really enjoy your writing and candidness. I was drawn to the post you linked in Letters from Love because of my husband’s health and near death experiences. I seem to dance around the idea of loss and grief almost as a way to prepare myself but also as a way to try to protect myself against it. He is fine right now but we always live a little on edge. So thank you for giving me a space to come and touch the sidelines of a game I never want to play but may have to one day. I don’t even want to write those words because I feel like I am betraying the life we have built on the hope for a long future. The possibility is there but ignoring the other possibilities seems foolish.
Hi Janine, I'm so glad you reached out! So far, the pros outweigh the cons for me on Substack (especially when I get comments like yours!). It's been an important way to keep myself motivated to keep writing and to connect with a really supportive community. I monitor myself to make sure I'm not endlessly scrolling "notes" or checking for likes and comments. I'm doing okay with it.
I am so sorry your husband is having health issues. It's so hard stay in the present and not worry about what our futures "might" look like. When my husband was diagnosed with cancer in 2018, it was incurable. The doctor told me a "good outcome" would be if he lived 5 years (he lived for 3 yrs). Over those 3 years we never talked about it, or planned for what my life would look like without him. I think we were afraid of falling apart if we acknowledged the reality of the situation.
I began emotionally distancing myself from him because I thought it would lessen the pain when he died. It worked for about 2 years after he died, but then the grief caught up with me. I missed strengthening our bond while he was alive, but in the end it didn't save me any heartache - it might have caused more because I didn't ask him to make any videos for me or our son.
I don't really have any advice per se, but I think you are brave to think about the future insofar as it helps you focus on what you have today. No one is promised tomorrow, but we have been given a gift of awareness. I don't think I took advantage of knowing my husband would die so that we could do and say all the things we meant to each other.
I give myself (and you) a lot of grace and try not to blame myself from dissociating as a coping mechanism. I have learned that the sad feelings will not last forever and they will not break me (or you). Sometimes it's better to lean into them, and cry a whole lot of healing tears until you reconnect to the love. Sending you a big virtual hug.
I have heard about the condition you are describing from a number of legal channels I watch I on YouTube when they discuss the topic of parents monitoring their children on social media. At least you have recognized the symptoms in yourself. I used to be in the same boat because I worried about not getting likes from my alleged friends on social media. One day, I had an Epiphany: Why should I care whether or not people either like or agree with what I have written? Does my life improve if someone likes or agrees with me? Does it get worse if someone dislikes or disagrees with me? I remember something a local radio personality said that has stuck with me: "If three people are talking and they all agree, only one person is doing the thinking."
As always, your responses are well thought out, helpful and encouraging. Rationally, I get that it doesn't matter if I get likes or not. For me the pleasure is in the writing, not in others' responses. That said, it can be really hard putting ourselves out there. While a like or comment won't make or break me, I do draw comfort knowing that I'm not alone with my thoughts and that my story resonated with someone. I guess that's what we all want, so feeling of connection with other humans. Thank you Thomas.
Hey Amy!! my name is Jo and Im from New Zealand. My partner passed away from cancer just before christmas on the 20 dec 2023. Ahhhhhhhh!! the lonliness and dispair and pissed off ness about the world and everything is put on hold whilst scrolling.. mindlessly scrolling!! Keep busy.... its something sooooo many people say to me. WTAF? does that even mean. Such annoying advice.
Anyway I am completely new to substack I thought it would be a great alternative to the usual dopamine hit from instagram... showing everyones "perfect life" Hello to anyone out there xx
Oh Jo, your loss is so fresh, I am so sorry. I was numb for a year. It might be too soon, but when you are ready I recommend joining a grief group for partner loss. Two coaches I've worked with (both widows) are newmoonmira.com and empoweredthroughgrief.com. I completely understand all your feelings. Telling a bereaved person to "keep busy" is like telling a clinically depressed person to "do yoga". I try to give people grace because they have no f-ing idea what I'm going through. Sending you a giant virtual hug!
I hear you, Amy. I also keep myself very busy so the grief, discomfort, regret, you name it, any type of discomfort, can't creep in. The phone is too easy to grab. You're talking about something we can all relate to. I really liked this article and subscribed :)
Omg! You just made my day! Thank you so much Ilona!! I never know if I'm making any sense to anyone but myself. Your kind comment means the world to me!
Hang in there! I have been here roughly a year and don’t have many followers BUT I love being a positive enforcement for how you are feeling because we all go through it 🥲.
This is my first attempt at social media platform and I have been very pleased by surrounding myself with other positive motivated people and have enjoyed getting laughs from people.
There isn’t anything wrong with you. Trust me please.
Well I am NOT sending you my dick pick because I don’t want you to die of laughter. So if you think of any topic, I will try to tell you a true funny related experience.
Remember - your constant looking and checking is by design. It’s intentional. It’s BIOLOGICAL. The companies that made these platforms and apps did so with only their profit margins, salaries, and stock options in mind - NOT your well being.
And if it helps - I have to remove the Substack app usually once or twice a week, too. Absolutely pulls me in.
Thank you Amy for your kind words of support and encouragement. It brought tears to my eyes! “I have learned that the sad feelings will not last forever and they will not break me (or you).” This is what I most fear! That I will be broken and never be whole again. It’s so helpful to hear your story and connect with someone who can be beacon❤️
I am so glad. I know your fear, I fear the same thing. I will be broken. Time, and time again, I have given in to the deep feelings of loneliness and despair, and those feelings ended. The more I pushed the feelings away, the harder it was. You really are not alone. I've been on meds for clinical depression for almost 30 years - way before I even met my husband. Think of giving in the fear and sadness a little at a time - it's like exposure therapy. The more you feel it and survive, the more you believe in your own strength.
Hi Amy, I’m new to Substack via Letters from Love with Liz Gilbert:). I’ve been off social media for years now because I felt it was drowning and suffocating me so I can relate to what you’re saying more than I can express here. I was hoping Substack wouldn’t be the same as other social media platforms but if it sparks the same feelings I had before on Facebook then I guess I’m just falling right back into the trap I had to pry myself out of when I deleted the app from my phone and never went back. I am going to have to be careful and watch myself closely as I walk this path on Substack. I really enjoy your writing and candidness. I was drawn to the post you linked in Letters from Love because of my husband’s health and near death experiences. I seem to dance around the idea of loss and grief almost as a way to prepare myself but also as a way to try to protect myself against it. He is fine right now but we always live a little on edge. So thank you for giving me a space to come and touch the sidelines of a game I never want to play but may have to one day. I don’t even want to write those words because I feel like I am betraying the life we have built on the hope for a long future. The possibility is there but ignoring the other possibilities seems foolish.
Hi Janine, I'm so glad you reached out! So far, the pros outweigh the cons for me on Substack (especially when I get comments like yours!). It's been an important way to keep myself motivated to keep writing and to connect with a really supportive community. I monitor myself to make sure I'm not endlessly scrolling "notes" or checking for likes and comments. I'm doing okay with it.
I am so sorry your husband is having health issues. It's so hard stay in the present and not worry about what our futures "might" look like. When my husband was diagnosed with cancer in 2018, it was incurable. The doctor told me a "good outcome" would be if he lived 5 years (he lived for 3 yrs). Over those 3 years we never talked about it, or planned for what my life would look like without him. I think we were afraid of falling apart if we acknowledged the reality of the situation.
I began emotionally distancing myself from him because I thought it would lessen the pain when he died. It worked for about 2 years after he died, but then the grief caught up with me. I missed strengthening our bond while he was alive, but in the end it didn't save me any heartache - it might have caused more because I didn't ask him to make any videos for me or our son.
I don't really have any advice per se, but I think you are brave to think about the future insofar as it helps you focus on what you have today. No one is promised tomorrow, but we have been given a gift of awareness. I don't think I took advantage of knowing my husband would die so that we could do and say all the things we meant to each other.
I give myself (and you) a lot of grace and try not to blame myself from dissociating as a coping mechanism. I have learned that the sad feelings will not last forever and they will not break me (or you). Sometimes it's better to lean into them, and cry a whole lot of healing tears until you reconnect to the love. Sending you a big virtual hug.
I have heard about the condition you are describing from a number of legal channels I watch I on YouTube when they discuss the topic of parents monitoring their children on social media. At least you have recognized the symptoms in yourself. I used to be in the same boat because I worried about not getting likes from my alleged friends on social media. One day, I had an Epiphany: Why should I care whether or not people either like or agree with what I have written? Does my life improve if someone likes or agrees with me? Does it get worse if someone dislikes or disagrees with me? I remember something a local radio personality said that has stuck with me: "If three people are talking and they all agree, only one person is doing the thinking."
As always, your responses are well thought out, helpful and encouraging. Rationally, I get that it doesn't matter if I get likes or not. For me the pleasure is in the writing, not in others' responses. That said, it can be really hard putting ourselves out there. While a like or comment won't make or break me, I do draw comfort knowing that I'm not alone with my thoughts and that my story resonated with someone. I guess that's what we all want, so feeling of connection with other humans. Thank you Thomas.
Hey Amy!! my name is Jo and Im from New Zealand. My partner passed away from cancer just before christmas on the 20 dec 2023. Ahhhhhhhh!! the lonliness and dispair and pissed off ness about the world and everything is put on hold whilst scrolling.. mindlessly scrolling!! Keep busy.... its something sooooo many people say to me. WTAF? does that even mean. Such annoying advice.
Anyway I am completely new to substack I thought it would be a great alternative to the usual dopamine hit from instagram... showing everyones "perfect life" Hello to anyone out there xx
Oh Jo, your loss is so fresh, I am so sorry. I was numb for a year. It might be too soon, but when you are ready I recommend joining a grief group for partner loss. Two coaches I've worked with (both widows) are newmoonmira.com and empoweredthroughgrief.com. I completely understand all your feelings. Telling a bereaved person to "keep busy" is like telling a clinically depressed person to "do yoga". I try to give people grace because they have no f-ing idea what I'm going through. Sending you a giant virtual hug!
I hear you, Amy. I also keep myself very busy so the grief, discomfort, regret, you name it, any type of discomfort, can't creep in. The phone is too easy to grab. You're talking about something we can all relate to. I really liked this article and subscribed :)
Omg! You just made my day! Thank you so much Ilona!! I never know if I'm making any sense to anyone but myself. Your kind comment means the world to me!
That's all the dopamine you're allowed today 🤣
🤣🤣🤣🥰🥰🥰
Hang in there! I have been here roughly a year and don’t have many followers BUT I love being a positive enforcement for how you are feeling because we all go through it 🥲.
This is my first attempt at social media platform and I have been very pleased by surrounding myself with other positive motivated people and have enjoyed getting laughs from people.
There isn’t anything wrong with you. Trust me please.
Thank you! We definitely need as much humor as we can get.
Well I am NOT sending you my dick pick because I don’t want you to die of laughter. So if you think of any topic, I will try to tell you a true funny related experience.
I hope I can make you laugh when you need it!
Remember - your constant looking and checking is by design. It’s intentional. It’s BIOLOGICAL. The companies that made these platforms and apps did so with only their profit margins, salaries, and stock options in mind - NOT your well being.
And if it helps - I have to remove the Substack app usually once or twice a week, too. Absolutely pulls me in.
Thank you. My son just turned 12 and all his friends already have phones. He really wants one too, but not happening, yet.