Good advice Amy. It does bother me when I see someone giving advice because they did it once or feel they’re qualified to teach others based on very little. Meanwhile, the rest of us with decades of experience are wondering if we know enough.
I totally agree. The people I respect the most are willing to say, "I don't know." It's a weird dichotomy - I like taking online courses and some coaching, but part of me believes the hubris necessary to declare oneself qualified to teach or coach makes them unqualified to do so. Obviously, that's not the case with a lot of teachers and coaches, but it's not always easy to distinguish one from the other. I look for people who are humble, confident, and authentically themselves. That's the best I can do.
Super thoughtful and well considered advice! And worth so much more than your paywall would have asked for.
You have me thinking of the best coaches I’ve had, the therapist who cared enough to be interested in more than just the problem I brought. And the right friend at the right time who wasn’t officially a coach at all. Connection is everything and I love what you say about trusting your gut and being real about what you need.
Thanks so much Beth! I hadn’t thought about friends and therapists in this light, but it’s true that the better we know ourselves and our needs, we can be better “pickers” of the people we want in our lives. I really appreciate this comment 🙏🥰
Thank you Emilio! I just want to provide some information that has helped me along my journey and perhaps save others from spending their money on coaches or courses that don’t align with what they value.
Thanks for being so open and honest about your experiences, Amy! It makes my blood boil to think of all the charlatans out there, willing to take advantage of the grieving-widow stereotype. You’re absolutely right about looking for someone whose core values align with yours, and who works on a schedule that you’re comfortable with.
I had a terrible experience with a writing teacher I’d taken several group courses with, and felt it was a great learning experience. Based on that, I did an expensive one-on-one with her. Total frustration: her teaching style was rigid and analytical, and did not fit my needs. I was struggling with spreadsheets per her rules, not writing. But because of the previous good class experiences, I did another one-on-one. Even worse. But I had several friends who had a very positive relationship and found it completely worth the money. My takeaway: listen to your gut and don’t be afraid to speak up for your own needs.
And I’m so very sorry about the ways in which you were betrayed. No one should go through that heartache. One more thing: we’ve found each other, and together we can find the teachers who can be trusted. Strength comes with sharing.🙏💕🫶
Thank you so much Mary for sharing your experience with the writing teacher. It's so important to know what works for us, because that's where the value comes into play. You wrote that some of your friends had a very positive experience doing the 1:1 with the writing instructor, but you did not.
Sometimes we just have to try something to learn more about what we like and don't like, and in those cases I like to think of it as money well spent even if I didn't learn the writing skills I had signed up for.
For the most part I don't feel any of the coaches or teachers I worked with were charlatans or scammers. I just think I didn't value what they were offering, even though a lot of other people did. It taught me to dig deeper into what I believe and what is important to me.
I know many widows who LOVE mediums and have gotten invaluable results from their sessions. I've tried it twice, with two different mediums, both recommended by people I trust, and I do not see the value.
I will admit that after the last session I did on my birthday, I felt very happy, but that was more about talking with someone about my husband and having a good cry. Sure, some mediums are pure scammers and "fakes" but I don't think the two I saw were like that. I think they really believe what they are hearing and seeing from deceased loved ones, and they genuinely want to help people.
That doesn't make them more real to me, or make me feel like I got more value because they aren't "scammers". It's very interesting because the medium sent me a recording of our session, and I bet if someone who really believed in these types of readings watched it, they might think it was amazing. Neither one of us is right or wrong, although secretly I think I'm right, of course!
Good to hear that you don't feel you were scammed. That's a big concern of mine for all of us. Thanks for the message about looking into your personal core values and listening to those. Good to recognize that we all differ in this respect. I just wish my teacher had paid more attention to my specific needs with the one-on-ones. It was a complete departure from her class instruction style. But: live and learn. ❤️💕🥰
I get it. Sometimes, no matter how well we know ourselves, and how much we know about a specific teacher, it just doesn't align. That just sucks, and other than asking for what you want, there's not much else you can do about it but see if there's some sort of lesson to be learned. I had one experience that was totally on the app Telegram. It might have worked better for me had the other participants been more aligned, but I also realized I need some real life (Zoom) interaction with a coach. I contacted her and asked if she'd be open to doing one Zoom session because I really signed up for her energy, which didn't come through in her daily voice recorded messages in the app. She agreed and it was a great session.
I enjoyed reading your post and found it very informative. I just wish I had this advice forty years ago when I was a struggling writer; fortunately, I discovered a local writer's group. They were very supportive about my writing. A few of them are still friends of mine. It was a wonderful experience.
I wish I had my own advice forty years ago! 🤣 I guess there has to be some upside to getting older, right? I'm glad you found a writing group, I think that would be helpful for me, but it would probably be on Zoom. It's good to see you in the comments - I always like your feedback on my posts. Thank you 🥰
I never used a coach or counselor, didn’t think I needed one, and thought my nightmares, anxiety, depression, withdrawal, anger, and suicide ideation were because of my weak character. The organization I worked for even said I lacked “faith” and “the emotional strength” to deal with the stresses of international humanitarian aid service. They wrote those things to me in a memo where they said they had “no legal or moral responsibility” for my “alleged condition”(their words) to provide any kind of mental health care after I worked on high stress aid projects in Somalia, Sudan, the Balkans, Haiti, and a few dozen other hot zones for a quarter century. Once, I asked my boss why I was always sent to do the tough jobs in the worst places and he cheerfully responded that it was because I didn’t feel pain. Oh, the things I’ve witnessed and experienced.
It wasn’t until I almost succeeded in a suicide attempt that someone at the hospital, after hearing my biography from my wife, decided to call for a consultation with a psychiatrist at the local VA hospital who interviewed me, told my wife that the only difference between me and the veterans she worked with was that I never pulled a trigger. A lot of shame and self-doubt lifted when she told me that I was a survivor and was not weak. It is amazing how powerfully a few simple words can change our lives.
I have worked with a counselor weekly for over a decade. I underwent EMDR treatment which hurt like hell but left me free of anger and bitterness. Many of the worst symptoms have receded. I have always wished that I could talk to other people who have experienced similar things, but there simply are no traumatized ex-workers around here. I connected with one Substack writer who has a similar background and it feels good to write to someone who knows what it feels like.
But most surprisingly, I find that writing about things I experienced has shifted from the things that traumatized me to reclaiming all the good memories that puts the past into a more realistic perspective. Some of what I experienced I still can’t approach to write about. Much of what I’ve written I will not share, although my counselor tells me that no one can ever feel the thing as I feel it. I’m not completely convinced about that, because I saw instances where admin assistants in our Maryland office were vicariously traumatized by things they heard during phone conversations with field staff or read in our travel reports.
Which brings me to the point of all this: is directed writing therapy worth the time and money? There is a local writing therapy practitioner who does group sessions for women and I could probably arrange something one on one. The army shrink I mentioned above said I really needed to take part in some of her group sessions, but of course that wasn’t possible. Is it worth pursuing writing therapy?
Good advice Amy. It does bother me when I see someone giving advice because they did it once or feel they’re qualified to teach others based on very little. Meanwhile, the rest of us with decades of experience are wondering if we know enough.
I totally agree. The people I respect the most are willing to say, "I don't know." It's a weird dichotomy - I like taking online courses and some coaching, but part of me believes the hubris necessary to declare oneself qualified to teach or coach makes them unqualified to do so. Obviously, that's not the case with a lot of teachers and coaches, but it's not always easy to distinguish one from the other. I look for people who are humble, confident, and authentically themselves. That's the best I can do.
Super thoughtful and well considered advice! And worth so much more than your paywall would have asked for.
You have me thinking of the best coaches I’ve had, the therapist who cared enough to be interested in more than just the problem I brought. And the right friend at the right time who wasn’t officially a coach at all. Connection is everything and I love what you say about trusting your gut and being real about what you need.
Thanks so much Beth! I hadn’t thought about friends and therapists in this light, but it’s true that the better we know ourselves and our needs, we can be better “pickers” of the people we want in our lives. I really appreciate this comment 🙏🥰
Wow what an experience you have you're inspiration to us all
Thank you Emilio! I just want to provide some information that has helped me along my journey and perhaps save others from spending their money on coaches or courses that don’t align with what they value.
You're welcome always God bless you and your family
Thanks for being so open and honest about your experiences, Amy! It makes my blood boil to think of all the charlatans out there, willing to take advantage of the grieving-widow stereotype. You’re absolutely right about looking for someone whose core values align with yours, and who works on a schedule that you’re comfortable with.
I had a terrible experience with a writing teacher I’d taken several group courses with, and felt it was a great learning experience. Based on that, I did an expensive one-on-one with her. Total frustration: her teaching style was rigid and analytical, and did not fit my needs. I was struggling with spreadsheets per her rules, not writing. But because of the previous good class experiences, I did another one-on-one. Even worse. But I had several friends who had a very positive relationship and found it completely worth the money. My takeaway: listen to your gut and don’t be afraid to speak up for your own needs.
And I’m so very sorry about the ways in which you were betrayed. No one should go through that heartache. One more thing: we’ve found each other, and together we can find the teachers who can be trusted. Strength comes with sharing.🙏💕🫶
Thank you so much Mary for sharing your experience with the writing teacher. It's so important to know what works for us, because that's where the value comes into play. You wrote that some of your friends had a very positive experience doing the 1:1 with the writing instructor, but you did not.
Sometimes we just have to try something to learn more about what we like and don't like, and in those cases I like to think of it as money well spent even if I didn't learn the writing skills I had signed up for.
For the most part I don't feel any of the coaches or teachers I worked with were charlatans or scammers. I just think I didn't value what they were offering, even though a lot of other people did. It taught me to dig deeper into what I believe and what is important to me.
I know many widows who LOVE mediums and have gotten invaluable results from their sessions. I've tried it twice, with two different mediums, both recommended by people I trust, and I do not see the value.
I will admit that after the last session I did on my birthday, I felt very happy, but that was more about talking with someone about my husband and having a good cry. Sure, some mediums are pure scammers and "fakes" but I don't think the two I saw were like that. I think they really believe what they are hearing and seeing from deceased loved ones, and they genuinely want to help people.
That doesn't make them more real to me, or make me feel like I got more value because they aren't "scammers". It's very interesting because the medium sent me a recording of our session, and I bet if someone who really believed in these types of readings watched it, they might think it was amazing. Neither one of us is right or wrong, although secretly I think I'm right, of course!
Good to hear that you don't feel you were scammed. That's a big concern of mine for all of us. Thanks for the message about looking into your personal core values and listening to those. Good to recognize that we all differ in this respect. I just wish my teacher had paid more attention to my specific needs with the one-on-ones. It was a complete departure from her class instruction style. But: live and learn. ❤️💕🥰
I get it. Sometimes, no matter how well we know ourselves, and how much we know about a specific teacher, it just doesn't align. That just sucks, and other than asking for what you want, there's not much else you can do about it but see if there's some sort of lesson to be learned. I had one experience that was totally on the app Telegram. It might have worked better for me had the other participants been more aligned, but I also realized I need some real life (Zoom) interaction with a coach. I contacted her and asked if she'd be open to doing one Zoom session because I really signed up for her energy, which didn't come through in her daily voice recorded messages in the app. She agreed and it was a great session.
I enjoyed reading your post and found it very informative. I just wish I had this advice forty years ago when I was a struggling writer; fortunately, I discovered a local writer's group. They were very supportive about my writing. A few of them are still friends of mine. It was a wonderful experience.
I wish I had my own advice forty years ago! 🤣 I guess there has to be some upside to getting older, right? I'm glad you found a writing group, I think that would be helpful for me, but it would probably be on Zoom. It's good to see you in the comments - I always like your feedback on my posts. Thank you 🥰
These are very useful to consider, also similar questions are useful when you consider working with a therapist 🙏🏻
You are so right Natasha! It can be challenging to find a therapist that makes you feel safe, especially if there has been a lot of trauma.
I never used a coach or counselor, didn’t think I needed one, and thought my nightmares, anxiety, depression, withdrawal, anger, and suicide ideation were because of my weak character. The organization I worked for even said I lacked “faith” and “the emotional strength” to deal with the stresses of international humanitarian aid service. They wrote those things to me in a memo where they said they had “no legal or moral responsibility” for my “alleged condition”(their words) to provide any kind of mental health care after I worked on high stress aid projects in Somalia, Sudan, the Balkans, Haiti, and a few dozen other hot zones for a quarter century. Once, I asked my boss why I was always sent to do the tough jobs in the worst places and he cheerfully responded that it was because I didn’t feel pain. Oh, the things I’ve witnessed and experienced.
It wasn’t until I almost succeeded in a suicide attempt that someone at the hospital, after hearing my biography from my wife, decided to call for a consultation with a psychiatrist at the local VA hospital who interviewed me, told my wife that the only difference between me and the veterans she worked with was that I never pulled a trigger. A lot of shame and self-doubt lifted when she told me that I was a survivor and was not weak. It is amazing how powerfully a few simple words can change our lives.
I have worked with a counselor weekly for over a decade. I underwent EMDR treatment which hurt like hell but left me free of anger and bitterness. Many of the worst symptoms have receded. I have always wished that I could talk to other people who have experienced similar things, but there simply are no traumatized ex-workers around here. I connected with one Substack writer who has a similar background and it feels good to write to someone who knows what it feels like.
But most surprisingly, I find that writing about things I experienced has shifted from the things that traumatized me to reclaiming all the good memories that puts the past into a more realistic perspective. Some of what I experienced I still can’t approach to write about. Much of what I’ve written I will not share, although my counselor tells me that no one can ever feel the thing as I feel it. I’m not completely convinced about that, because I saw instances where admin assistants in our Maryland office were vicariously traumatized by things they heard during phone conversations with field staff or read in our travel reports.
Which brings me to the point of all this: is directed writing therapy worth the time and money? There is a local writing therapy practitioner who does group sessions for women and I could probably arrange something one on one. The army shrink I mentioned above said I really needed to take part in some of her group sessions, but of course that wasn’t possible. Is it worth pursuing writing therapy?
I have never used a coach in my life but those seem like good questions to ask.
Thank you so much Ann! 🥰🙏