Escaping The Drama Triangle
If you don't know what The Drama Triangle is, read on to save $$$ and years in therapy. I love you, and you're welcome 🥰.
This post is mostly a public service announcement. Take whatever you need and discard the rest. ❤️ [Originally published May 2024]
I’ve been in therapy on and off since I was 19 years-old. I’m 57 now.
Hmm, how many years is that? A long a$$ time — that’s how long!
I’m sure I’ve helped many clinicians send their kids to college, or buy their first apartment, or perhaps purchase a country or beach house for the weekends and summer.
At the time it was money well spent, but now I’m seeing everything in a brand new light. I was in my weekly Zoom therapy session discussing my unhealthy attachment to men after my husband died 2.5 years ago.
I was so afraid of being left, that I would pick emotionally unavailable men, and then drive them away. I literally created scenarios where men would leave me over, and over, and over again.
Healthy, right?
My current therapist casually said, “Well, we’ve talked about the Drama Triangle. You don’t have to be The Rescuer, The Persecutor, or The Victim.”
Sound of needle scratching vinyl – Whaaat?!
Um, no. We haven’t talked about that. Believe me, I would have remembered.
The Drama Triangle1 was first described by Stephen Karpman in the 1960s. It is a model of dysfunctional social interactions and illustrates a power game that involves three roles: Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor, each role represents a common and ineffective response to conflict.
The journey around the triangle can be done with self or another, such as a spouse, child, co-worker, and so on. Most of us are neurologically programmed to play these three roles, and we consciously or unconsciously choose one role given the particular context.
Holy crap! I LIVE on that damn triangle. I built my foundation on it, and bounced into all those roles, multiple times.
My therapist tells me, “The way to get off The Drama Triangle is to be conscious of the role you are playing. By approaching relationships as your true “Self”, you will see relationships aren’t black or white. There is nuance, and many shades of gray.”
Now she tells me 🤦🏻♀️.
Escape the Drama Triangle — follow link for more ways to escape!
Create Self-awareness2
The first step to escape the Drama Triangle is to understand what it entails, be aware of the role you are playing in a particular circumstance, and be watchful not to take one of the three roles.
You can ask yourself a few powerful questions to improve your self-awareness. Questions such as: What role do you play in the Drama Triangle? How long have you been playing that role? How is it serving you? Is this role where you’d like to be? If not, what can you do to change it? What are the actions you need to take to escape it?
By becoming self-aware of your stance in the Drama Triangle, you will become mindful and avoid taking any role in it. You will not be the passive Victims who’d be dependent on others to provide solutions, or the Rescuers who’d jump in other people’s issues uninvited, or the Persecutors who’d criticize others without being helpful to tackle the underlying problem.
This really blows my mind, and has me wondering exactly what I was getting during all those years in therapy.
Maybe everyone already knows about this, and I’m giving you old news, but if you are like me, and have never heard of The Drama Triangle, I’m giving it to you for free.
Yes, I love you that much 🥰.
Let’s all take the leap over to The Empowerment Triangle together!
Now excuse me while I consciously connect with my “Self”, and work my way out of The Victim role.
From leadershiptribe.com
From leadershiptribe.com
WOW. This triangle says so much. THANK YOU Amy!
Amy,
You named something here with clarity and courage. I hadn’t encountered the term Drama Triangle before, and still—what you described immediately connected with frameworks I’ve worked with for years in systemic coaching, sociology, and shadow work.
These roles aren’t random. They reflect how we’re shaped—by gender expectations, caregiving dynamics, cultural norms. In many systems, especially those that center women as emotional anchors, roles like Rescuer or Victim become strategies for staying connected, staying safe, staying wanted.
The way you describe your pattern—choosing those who leave, then scripting the exit—holds deep relational intelligence. That loop didn’t appear out of nowhere. It grew from learned scripts about love, loss, and worth. Seeing the triangle now doesn’t erase the past—it offers a path forward.
This post doesn’t just name a pattern—it opens a wider lens. I see the shift you’re already living: from repetition to recognition, from role to self.
And I wonder, gently:
What early message taught you to care this way?
What kind of connection becomes possible when you release the role and stand in your own rhythm?
And what emerges when you stop performing love and start inhabiting it?
Thank you for offering this reflection so generously. The clarity you brought carries power.
Jay