You named something here with clarity and courage. I hadn’t encountered the term Drama Triangle before, and still—what you described immediately connected with frameworks I’ve worked with for years in systemic coaching, sociology, and shadow work.
These roles aren’t random. They reflect how we’re shaped—by gender expectations, caregiving dynamics, cultural norms. In many systems, especially those that center women as emotional anchors, roles like Rescuer or Victim become strategies for staying connected, staying safe, staying wanted.
The way you describe your pattern—choosing those who leave, then scripting the exit—holds deep relational intelligence. That loop didn’t appear out of nowhere. It grew from learned scripts about love, loss, and worth. Seeing the triangle now doesn’t erase the past—it offers a path forward.
This post doesn’t just name a pattern—it opens a wider lens. I see the shift you’re already living: from repetition to recognition, from role to self.
And I wonder, gently:
What early message taught you to care this way?
What kind of connection becomes possible when you release the role and stand in your own rhythm?
And what emerges when you stop performing love and start inhabiting it?
Thank you for offering this reflection so generously. The clarity you brought carries power.
Many years ago prior to some of the leadership books I've read over the years, like you I've found myself in the Rescuer mode, and some cases even the other two. I've always been helpful, but in Rescuer mode you tend to do it yourself to get it done.
I learned about it just after my divorce at 49 when starting with a new therapist. I was getting sucked into drama triangle and it immediately made so much sense.
Totally mystery why it’s sorta underground. It should be session 1 with every therapist! Thanks for the reminder about it!
I'm so glad your new therapist told you about it! I'm 56 and my therapist just offhandedly said, "Well, we've talked about the Drama Triangle..." Um, nope, we hadn't. I guess it's never too late to learn, but it still would have been nice to know about this in my 20s and 30s.
It's not unhealthy to play these roles, and at some point we all do. The trouble starts when we get stuck in them and repeat the same behavior over and over and don't know why. I don't know if you're out there dating, but dang, it's tough out there!
Same for me, but I have been known to run around the triangle trying on every role. They aren't terrible in, and of, themselves, but the problems occur when we get stuck in a role (I'm guilty of camping out as both rescuer and victim). Thank you again for re-posting your story. I identified with it deeply.
Don't be too hard on yourself 🥰. Your teenager is most likely on the triangle with you as either as The Persecutor or The Victim, but they don't have the wisdom of age and the impulse control that you do as an adult. My son is 12, so those teen years are coming at me like a freight train. I just try to remember how difficult it was for me navigating that time. My one piece of unsolicited advice is to focus on building their self-esteem, empathy, and kindness rather than focusing on academics. Tending to the former will have a positive effect on the latter, but the first three are the building blocks for the identity the are forming. I know a lot of adults who still feel the pain of a difficult high school experience, and let it inform on how they feel about themselves, regardless of any outside achievements (money, job, spouse, kids). I'm 56 and high school in the 1980s was wild, but we didn't have the technology that kids are bombarded with now. Gossip, rumors, and lies fly at the speed of light and are documented with video or photos. I know I couldn't have coped with the constant pressure, and I thank god "smart" phones didn't exist back then!
He had tons of support. We had a person-centered planning team of mentors, teachers, and even administrators who came to our house and met with him once a month. We supported him in his videography business. He still has a great support system and resources that I connected him to. He’s argumentative and fights against his best supports, to listen to strangers that tell him what he wants to hear.
He is a hard-knocks kind of learner.
I've given him the best that I've got. I’m stepping back into a background supporter.
It’s so hard stepping back. Give yourself grace for not being perfect at it. One step back is still a step back. Build on your successes. I’ve gone all in on making a big change and it’s overwhelming. Breaking it down into manageable parts, makes it easier, but not easy. I see your struggle, and for me, it’s very isolating. Most of my friends now are widows and moms of kids with different needs. Other people don’t understand the struggle, and why should they? It’s just more exhausting to be with them.
Yes! All of this! So many of us are feeling isolated these days. Some days, it’s hard to believe this is my life. I made some positive changes in the past year. I need to give myself grace and credit for that. More to come…
Where do you live? I’m in a suburb of Austin, Texas. But I’m an L.A. girl at heart.
I live in New York City, born and raised — East Coast girl, but I love the weather in your part of the US. It’s uncanny how you say the things I’m thinking in my head — Some days, maybe even a lot of days, it’s hard to believe this is my life. Like wtf?
I’ve had a lot of therapy too …some of this was discussed but never heard it called this. Thanks for the comparison…I feel much more empowered in the years I’ve been on my own… maybe I just had to grow up; maybe therapy did get through to me! 😅 interesting piece! Thanks for sharing this. 😊🩷
Holy sh*t! I have never heard of this- after 8 years of studying psychology this was never presented to me in any of my courses!! This is gold. Thank you. Please excuse me while I take 10 steps back from the triangle!!
I've never heard of it either. Yes, I'm very aware of the "victim" persona. And maybe even the rescuer (co-dependency?) but not the triangle framework. Thanks!
You are so welcome Linda! I hoped it would help someone. It was like a lightbulb went off for me, and it only took me 37 years of therapy (on and off) to learn it 🤣
I love this! I think I've heard it referenced, but as Susan said, you explained it very well. I also really like the reframe into the "empowerment triangle." I'm working on this re: my health and how I relate to others as a result. And I've definitely paid for a couple of homes/dream vacations for my health providers with all the $$$ I've spent, so I'm happy to get this nugget for free ;)
One of the most powerful things you can learn to help with any and all relationships imo. I used it most recently to step out of the victim role with the prosecutor/persecutor in the lawsuit. It has been invaluable to me with family drama too once I learned how to step out of the triangle and set boundaries.
Seriously, it's that good! Why am I just learning about this? Who knows, maybe I knew it but forgot? I have trouble sleeping at night, menopause brain and grief brain. I guess it's not out of the realm of possibilities.
WOW. This triangle says so much. THANK YOU Amy!
I'm so happy you found it helpful K! 🥰
Thanks
Amy,
You named something here with clarity and courage. I hadn’t encountered the term Drama Triangle before, and still—what you described immediately connected with frameworks I’ve worked with for years in systemic coaching, sociology, and shadow work.
These roles aren’t random. They reflect how we’re shaped—by gender expectations, caregiving dynamics, cultural norms. In many systems, especially those that center women as emotional anchors, roles like Rescuer or Victim become strategies for staying connected, staying safe, staying wanted.
The way you describe your pattern—choosing those who leave, then scripting the exit—holds deep relational intelligence. That loop didn’t appear out of nowhere. It grew from learned scripts about love, loss, and worth. Seeing the triangle now doesn’t erase the past—it offers a path forward.
This post doesn’t just name a pattern—it opens a wider lens. I see the shift you’re already living: from repetition to recognition, from role to self.
And I wonder, gently:
What early message taught you to care this way?
What kind of connection becomes possible when you release the role and stand in your own rhythm?
And what emerges when you stop performing love and start inhabiting it?
Thank you for offering this reflection so generously. The clarity you brought carries power.
Jay
Very, helpful! Thanks for sharing, Amy
Many years ago prior to some of the leadership books I've read over the years, like you I've found myself in the Rescuer mode, and some cases even the other two. I've always been helpful, but in Rescuer mode you tend to do it yourself to get it done.
Yes, I have played every part on the Drama Triangle, especially Rescuer.
I learned about it just after my divorce at 49 when starting with a new therapist. I was getting sucked into drama triangle and it immediately made so much sense.
Totally mystery why it’s sorta underground. It should be session 1 with every therapist! Thanks for the reminder about it!
I'm so glad your new therapist told you about it! I'm 56 and my therapist just offhandedly said, "Well, we've talked about the Drama Triangle..." Um, nope, we hadn't. I guess it's never too late to learn, but it still would have been nice to know about this in my 20s and 30s.
It's not unhealthy to play these roles, and at some point we all do. The trouble starts when we get stuck in them and repeat the same behavior over and over and don't know why. I don't know if you're out there dating, but dang, it's tough out there!
❤️🤯❤️🤯❤️🤯
Wow! I've been the rescuer and my son is definitely the victim, full on with manipulation, especially now that I'm pulling back from my role.
Same for me, but I have been known to run around the triangle trying on every role. They aren't terrible in, and of, themselves, but the problems occur when we get stuck in a role (I'm guilty of camping out as both rescuer and victim). Thank you again for re-posting your story. I identified with it deeply.
Dealing with a very difficult teenager and this was very very helpful. Thank you. I’m the problem, it’s me.#rescuer
Don't be too hard on yourself 🥰. Your teenager is most likely on the triangle with you as either as The Persecutor or The Victim, but they don't have the wisdom of age and the impulse control that you do as an adult. My son is 12, so those teen years are coming at me like a freight train. I just try to remember how difficult it was for me navigating that time. My one piece of unsolicited advice is to focus on building their self-esteem, empathy, and kindness rather than focusing on academics. Tending to the former will have a positive effect on the latter, but the first three are the building blocks for the identity the are forming. I know a lot of adults who still feel the pain of a difficult high school experience, and let it inform on how they feel about themselves, regardless of any outside achievements (money, job, spouse, kids). I'm 56 and high school in the 1980s was wild, but we didn't have the technology that kids are bombarded with now. Gossip, rumors, and lies fly at the speed of light and are documented with video or photos. I know I couldn't have coped with the constant pressure, and I thank god "smart" phones didn't exist back then!
He's 28! And yes, High school was a real doozy!
He had tons of support. We had a person-centered planning team of mentors, teachers, and even administrators who came to our house and met with him once a month. We supported him in his videography business. He still has a great support system and resources that I connected him to. He’s argumentative and fights against his best supports, to listen to strangers that tell him what he wants to hear.
He is a hard-knocks kind of learner.
I've given him the best that I've got. I’m stepping back into a background supporter.
It’s so hard stepping back. Give yourself grace for not being perfect at it. One step back is still a step back. Build on your successes. I’ve gone all in on making a big change and it’s overwhelming. Breaking it down into manageable parts, makes it easier, but not easy. I see your struggle, and for me, it’s very isolating. Most of my friends now are widows and moms of kids with different needs. Other people don’t understand the struggle, and why should they? It’s just more exhausting to be with them.
Yes! All of this! So many of us are feeling isolated these days. Some days, it’s hard to believe this is my life. I made some positive changes in the past year. I need to give myself grace and credit for that. More to come…
Where do you live? I’m in a suburb of Austin, Texas. But I’m an L.A. girl at heart.
I live in New York City, born and raised — East Coast girl, but I love the weather in your part of the US. It’s uncanny how you say the things I’m thinking in my head — Some days, maybe even a lot of days, it’s hard to believe this is my life. Like wtf?
I’ve had a lot of therapy too …some of this was discussed but never heard it called this. Thanks for the comparison…I feel much more empowered in the years I’ve been on my own… maybe I just had to grow up; maybe therapy did get through to me! 😅 interesting piece! Thanks for sharing this. 😊🩷
You are very welcome! I’m sure I learned this in some other format over the years, but this just landed with me differently.🥰❤️
Holy sh*t! I have never heard of this- after 8 years of studying psychology this was never presented to me in any of my courses!! This is gold. Thank you. Please excuse me while I take 10 steps back from the triangle!!
I know, right! It's like they're gatekeeping this information. I've been around that triangle a dozen times in the last year, I'm ready to get off! 🤣
Worst roller coaster ride ever!
I've never heard of it either. Yes, I'm very aware of the "victim" persona. And maybe even the rescuer (co-dependency?) but not the triangle framework. Thanks!
You are so welcome Linda! I hoped it would help someone. It was like a lightbulb went off for me, and it only took me 37 years of therapy (on and off) to learn it 🤣
I love this! I think I've heard it referenced, but as Susan said, you explained it very well. I also really like the reframe into the "empowerment triangle." I'm working on this re: my health and how I relate to others as a result. And I've definitely paid for a couple of homes/dream vacations for my health providers with all the $$$ I've spent, so I'm happy to get this nugget for free ;)
That's how much I love you Bonnie ❤️
One of the most powerful things you can learn to help with any and all relationships imo. I used it most recently to step out of the victim role with the prosecutor/persecutor in the lawsuit. It has been invaluable to me with family drama too once I learned how to step out of the triangle and set boundaries.
PS it was difficult for me to understand when my therapist told me about it, you explained it very well.
And, I'm giving it away! 🤣
Seriously, it's that good! Why am I just learning about this? Who knows, maybe I knew it but forgot? I have trouble sleeping at night, menopause brain and grief brain. I guess it's not out of the realm of possibilities.