I Lied, There Is A Hierarchy Of Grief And I’m Going To Break It Down For You

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

The holidays are underfoot, and much like that two stud Lego you stepped in the dark when you got up to pee, you didn’t see it coming and it hurt like a motherfucker.

If I had a nickel for every sob story that started with, “I know [INSERT TRAGIC LOSS] can’t compare to losing your husband, but…,” I’d have at least tens of dollars, and that’s a fuck-load of nickels.

Does that make me a qualified grief expert?

No.

But, am I qualified to judge your loss?

Probably not.

Am I going to do it anyway?

Absolutely.

What I’m not going to do is get bogged down by details or “facts”, but let’s just say I’ve had my fair share of shitty outcomes.

So, having been asked by no one, I’ve taken it upon myself to create The Hierarchy of Grief ™¹, because let’s face it, some losses really ARE worse than others.

Ranked by category from worst to less worse

Deaths

1. Spouse / Life Partner

2. Child²

3. Sibling / Best Friend

4. Parent

5. Aunt / Uncle

6. First Cousins

7. Grandparent

8. Pet — dogs and cats³

9. Favorite celebrity

10. Pet — mammal

11. Pet — bird

12. Pet — reptile

13. Pet — fish

14. Pet — amphibian

15. Pets — invertebrate

Breakups

1. Divorce (legal) – initiated by spouse

2. Dumped by life partner

3. Dumped by boyfriend / girlfriend

4. Divorce – initiated by you

5. You dumped your life partner

6. You dumped boyfriend / girlfriend

7. Friendship loss

8. Favorite band splits up

Losses

1. Health – terminal

2. Health – chronic

3. Health – curable

4. Home

5. Job

6. Retirement fund

7. Passwords

8. Phone

9. Wallet

10. Keys

11. Sentimental object

12. That important thing you put in a special place to keep it safe but now you can’t remember where.

1. I don’t really have a trademark, but you saw it here first!

2. Upgraded to #1 for solo parents.

3. Upgraded to #1 or #2 for singles and/or the childless