Women in midlife are having a cultural moment. In books, movies and TV, midlife women are learning to prioritize their own pleasure, sexual and otherwise, after a lifetime of taking care of others.
I’ve been encouraged by the popularity of the book All Fours by
, the movie Babygirl starring Nicole Kidman, and most recently Hulu’s eight episode series Dying for Sex, based on the true story of Molly Kochan (played by Michelle Williams) who left an unfulfilling marriage to explore her sexuality after learning her breast cancer had returned and was no longer curable.I wasn’t sure what, if anything, I could add to the conversation as many of my favorite feminist writers on Substack (
, , , Lenz, and ), have already published wonderful critiques of those stories and others, (please check out their work and subscribe, they rock!).Then I thought, maybe I do have a unique perspective as a midlife woman who wrote about my own sexual exploration after watching my husband die from cancer at the age of 53.
First, let me say that Dying for Sex had a profound impact on me. It was one of, if not the most, accurate portrayals of a person dying from cancer that I’ve seen. It brought me back three and a half years to when Steven died, but in a way I wasn’t able to access emotionally at the time. It gutted me, but also healed and validated my experience at the same time.
There’s so much of Molly’s story that reminds me of my own after Steven’s death. I knew I wanted to feel more alive, but I’ve started to wonder if my motivation was more about the titillating thrill of risky behavior than about the sex itself. I also began to question the deeper messages within Dying for Sex. Is it really about Molly’s quest to feel more alive through sexual exploration and empowerment?
In the series, Molly’s best friend Nikki (played by Jenny Slate), is a free spirited actress who agrees to become the point-person during her treatment and eventual death. The show is as much about their deep friendship and love as it is about Molly’s sexual reclamation. I identified with Nikki as the one who gets left behind, but instead of going out on her own quest for sexual freedom after a break up with her boyfriend, the series ends with them back together.
Molly’s mother orchestrates the reconciliation as a way to bring peace to her dying daughter because Molly feels responsible for the breakup, and worries about Nikki being alone after she dies. There may not be a “happily ever after” for Molly, but Nikki gets one. Is this really any different than a Disney princess movie ending?
I am dubious when the female empowerment label is given to any story in which the lead actress dies after finding autonomy. I’ve seen similar plot-lines again and again and again. Whether it’s primary relationships, (All Fours), the respect of their subordinates, (Babygirl), or their very lives, (Dying for Sex), there’s a high price to pay for women who go their own way.
I was reminded of the 1991 movie Thelma and Louise when I thought about women making the ultimate sacrifice to gain their freedom. In a recent Substack chat, when I mentioned the film’s ending, someone told me it was the women’s choice to drive off the cliff.
Their alternative? Surrender to the police and spend the rest of their lives in prison. I guess making it to Mexico and living out their days drinking margaritas on the beach would have been too outlandish for audiences to suspend their disbelief. I imagine people yelling at the screen:
What?! Geena Davis finally had her first orgasm, (with a young Brad Pitt) and she gets to live?!
It’s telling that just three years later, Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman, the two male protagonists in The Shawshank Redemption, are able live out the rest of their lives in relative comfort by the ocean. Can you imagine the outrage if Tim Robbins’ character had been killed while escaping prison? The tragedy! (FWIW, I loved that movie and its ending, but I gotta play devil’s advocate here).
I understand that conflict makes a story compelling, but it feels like the women I mentioned above are forced to face harsh consequences, (perhaps even punishment?) for the transgression of de-centering men from their lives.
I’ve seen the argument that Nicole Kidman’s character in Babygirl survives unscathed, but is that really true? She screws up so badly at work that her assistant blackmails her and a male subordinate feels emboldened to make a snide remark about her young lover’s transfer to another office.
Overall, I found things to like, (even love), within all the stories mentioned in this essay. I just don’t understand why the female characters, who finally prioritize themselves after being victimized by men, are the ones left tending to their wounds or six feet under.
I get that in real life the cause is patriarchy, and that when women go off script, they must be reigned back in. But I want to know why we aren’t we rewriting the actual script when we have the chance?
I found a recent essay by
(the creator of the Burned Haystack Dating Method), to be instructive. In This is How "Liberal" Men Silence Feminists Young writes about an invitation to give a TEDx talk in which she very clearly states that her focus will be the feminist revolution happening on dating apps rather than a deep dive into the dating method itself. While it was disappointing that the male organizers of the event were not interested in that angle, it was infuriating when they continued to gaslight her throughout their long email chain.You can read the whole essay for yourselves, but I love this part of the synopsis written by one of Young’s trusted colleagues after she began to doubt herself (as anyone would when faced with crazy trying to pass itself off as sane):
“So, it's a couple of old white men trying to exploit a woman's success for their own gain, finding out they can't and then shutting her down.”
Men in power feed off women’s success like vampires and then use it as an excuse to victimize us. Like Alexander Hamilton, I’m trying to “write my way out”, but the crap I have to deal with to get where I’m going is making me feel more insane.
Upgrade to a paid subscription for just…
$9.90 for a whole year 🎉
a significant discount from the current $7 per month subscription price!
PLEASE LIKE 👇 | COMMENT 👇 | AND/OR RESTACK 👇
Share this post