I joined Hinge again yesterday. I cycle through different apps periodically so I can see the same men I didn’t match with last time. Maybe my tastes have changed and I’m willing to have coffee with a guy who’s political views are “moderate”?
Who am I kidding, we all know “moderate” is a conservative dude hedging his bets. “Sure, I have no problem banging a liberal woman, but no one said I have to like her.”
I also try to stay away from the “apolitical” man because that just screams, “I’m so busy looking for pussy that I can’t be bothered keeping up with politics.” Idk, maybe it means something else, but I don’t care enough to figure it out.
In truth, it’s probably me. I can be really judgy, but in my defense, my assumptions usually hit the mark. I assume they do anyway, I never bother confirming them – plausible deniability is my wing woman.
The last time I was on Hinge I got so fed up with the awful profile pictures that I sent a note to a guy who was otherwise pretty cute, “Hi. You’re super cute, but the shirtless photo of you in bed is giving off hyper-sexual yet lazy vibes. It’s making me seriously doubt your ability to bring me to orgasm, so it’s a no. Do better.”
I think I may be doing god’s work because I just saw his profile again and he got rid of that photo. Finally I was able to send him a “like”, but strangely enough he didn’t match with me. Ungrateful dick.
You might think that’s the last time I help a guy make his online dating profile better, but you’d be wrong. I’ve created a list of words that heterosexual men should NEVER use, and I feel duty bound to inform offenders of their mistakes.
For the record, the list is composed of words I’ve actually seen in men’s profiles. It’s not like I read through a dictionary looking for offensive words. I don’t have time for that shit. I’m on a mission to call out strangers on the Internet for their own good.
And before you say, “Maybe they used that word in an appropriate context,” let me tell you that there are only bad contexts for using these words while trying to make a positive first impression on a woman you want to date. And by date, I mean fuck.
With that in mind, NEVER use the word:
Rape
Kidnap
Strangle
Whip
Torture
Slap
Restrain
Hit
Bitch
Volcano
Some wise asses have responded, “What about raped?” so I’ve had to modify my instructions “Words NEVER to be used in ANY tense or context.” I really think I’m going above and beyond so I was kinda surprised at first that I never got so much as a “thank you.”
I also need to tell you guys to stop using the prompt, “Two truths and a lie.” It’s bad enough when you include a Where’s Waldo group photo and I have to guess which one is you. It usually leads to disappointment, just saying.
So don’t make me guess if you smoked weed with Robin Williams, or took a shower with the Dalai Lama. Whether you did or didn’t is a moot point because I’ve already disqualified you as a potential match.
I gotta say, doing the lord’s work sucks. It’s literally a non paying job, just like motherhood. Why would anyone do a job like this? I’m talking about motherhood. The lord gets thanked plenty.
As moms, we love our kids, but is it really that hard for them to take off their headphones, close their computers and say, “Thanks mom. I really appreciate all that you do.” But don’t worry about me, just asking for friend.
Are you doing the lord's work, or just being a mom?